


By any other name

by rudbeckia



Series: Call Me By your Name AU [2]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, First Time, Hux is repressed, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex Positive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-07 13:18:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18411434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudbeckia/pseuds/rudbeckia
Summary: Unsuccessful in his application for a three year doctoral position, Armitage Hux accepts the lower position of research intern to Professor Leia Organa. He’s expected to live with the Professor and her family at their summer home. There, he meets the professor’s son, Ben, who is eighteen and (in the eyes of Hux’s limited social experience) shamefully hedonistic. Beset by guilt over his own desires, Hux eventually comes to terms with the idea that this sprawling group of close friends and family have a very different set of values to the ones he was brought up with.Can living in an environment driven by love and acceptance help Hux lift himself out of his internalised self-hatred and allow him to seek happiness that he thinks he doesn’t deserve?





	1. fish out of water

_Dear Armitage,_  
_I regret that your application for the position of postdoctoral research assistant to Professor Leia Organa has been unsuccessful._  
_Despite your relative lack of experience, your application was extremely strong and you conducted yourself throughout the interview process in a highly professional manner. Professor Organa was impressed by your burgeoning skill in your chosen field and is able to offer you an alternative position that will strengthen your case should you choose to apply for similar posts in the near future._  
_The opportunity offered is that of Professor Organa’s summer intern. You would be required to live with the Organa-Solo family at their summer retreat villa. You will be provided with all travel expenses, accommodation and all meals, office space in which to work and access to all on-site leisure facilities. A small stipend is attached to this position. Duties include assisting Professor Organa, mainly with her initial research and subsequent investigations into Imperial war crimes, but you will be required to perform other duties as Professor Organa sees fit to assign._  
_If you are able to accept this position, please contact Professor Organa directly to inform her of your decision. Full details of travel arrangements are enclosed in a separate itinerary. If Professor Organa has not heard from you within five standard days, she will offer the post to the next candidate on her list._  
_I wish you the best of luck in your chosen career._  
_Yours sincerely,_  
_Kaydel Co Connix_  
_Personal Secretary to Professor Leia Organa,_  
_Alderaan Professor of Sentient Rights,_  
_Prime Campus, University of Hosnia_

Hux stared at the letter with a mixture of excitement and dismay. It was not the three year contract he had hoped for, but it wasn’t the outright rejection he had expected. He’d had plenty of those already. He sat at his small desk in the off-campus bedsit he rented from a Hutt who didn’t ask too many questions. It did not take long to decide. He had three other applications for research positions that he was waiting to hear from without expectation and there were insufficient credits in his account for any more than one more rent payment. He read over the letter and accompanying itinerary again and thumbed his personal comlink into life. There was no answer. He tried again and got the strained tones of a droid.  
“Hello?” Hux paused. “Can you relay a message to Professor Org—“  
“Give me that.” Hux felt his mouth dry and his forehead sweat at the recognisable voice and her irritated tone. “Armitage?”  
“Yes, Professor. I was—“  
“You’re coming? Great. I need you to get on the earliest transport Hm that’s—“  
“In two hours, Professor.”  
“You can make it? You won’t need much. Come as you are. I will transfer enough credits for a cab to your nearest spaceport. You’ll be met at the other end.”  
“Thank—“  
“See you in a day or so.”  
Hux thanked dead air, called a cab then shoved as much as he could into his backpack.

The journey was the worst Hux had endured since his rescue from the wreck of a star destroyer that buried itself under the dunes of Jakku. The cab was dangerously fast and the transport he was booked on was so cramped that he had to rub thighs with a Sullustan merchant who tried to sell him part-ownership of a porg hatchery on some planet whose name sounded like a sneeze. After the transport came a layover, five hours dozing on uncomfortable benches, afraid to fall asleep in case he was robbed, murdered, or late for his connection. Next was a starship clearly designed for cargo and repurposed with minimal regard for comfort. He had a private berth but it was designed for a crew member of shorter stature than himself and therefore he slept for none of the journey. When he emerged from the spaceport, he saw a driver holding a sign with _Hermitage_ scrawled on it. He sighed and walked over.  
“That’s me,” he said. “More or less.”

This ride was just as breakneck but Hux barely kept his eyes open. His driver proved to be as good an amateur tour guide as she was a rally driver and Hux caught snatches of local lore. When the speedercab slowed and turned off the track through an arch and pulled up in front of the faded grandeur of an old villa, with sunlight painting the warm stonework in shades of pink and orange, Hux took out his wallet. The driver shook her head. “No payment. All paid for.” Offering a small tip and hoping it was’t offensive, Hux stepped out of the cab onto gravel that shifted and crunched beneath his feet. The Professor was there already.  
“Welcome,” she said. “How was your journey?”  
Hux accepted a handshake. “I’ve endured worse,” he replied. “But not recently.”  
The professor laughed then turned to face the house where a tousled, lanky boy wearing shorts and a loose shirt that showed a long stripe of tanned, hairless torso emerged from the main door. “Ben, this is my new intern, Armitage. He’ll be spending the summer helping me collate records for my report on Imperial war crimes.” The boy walked forward and studied his face as he shouldered Hux’s bag.  
“I’ll show you around,” he said, in perfectly accented Huttese.  
Hux suppressed a smile as the boy walked into the house. “Thanks,” he replied in Huttese. The boy stopped at the top of the stairs and turned. Out of direct sunlight, Hux could see him better. He had dark, glossy hair that tumbled in waves to his shoulders and his eyes were deep brown. Hux noticed broad shoulders that made his shirt drape as if still hanging from a clothes-hanger, and a narrow waist and hips. He had long slender arms and legs that were only beginning to show a hint of the muscle definition that promised to come as he grew into his bones.  
“Are you from Hutt Space?”  
Hux laughed. “No,” he replied. “But it pays to be able to communicate without need of a translator.”  
“So where are you from?” demanded the boy. “And what’s your name? I know my mother said it but I wasn’t really listening.”  
“Armitage Hux. Please just call me Hux.” Hux held out his hand. “I was born on Arkanis but I’m not really from anywhere anymore.” He froze for a second when he realised what he had just said. His name. His _real_ name, not the one he’d adopted when it was made clear to him that a _Hux_ would never be welcome in civilised society. He waited, outstretched hand beginning to sweat, for Ben’s disgust and the humiliation of having to excuse the circumstance of his existence.  
“Oh,” Ben said with a slight frown, accepting Hux’s offer of a handshake just as Hux began to feel a hot prickle of shame and rejection behind his eyes. “I know the feeling. You’re getting my room and I’m moving into Grandfather’s. This way. He’s dead by the way so I don’t have to share.”

Hux stifled a shocked, relieved laugh and followed Ben along the hallway to the second last door, waited while Ben pushed it open and followed him inside. Ben darted here and there, picking up stray items of clothing from the floor and hugging then to his chest with one arm. “This is my room,” Ben said. “Your room, I mean. I’m next door.” Hux looked around as Ben pointed out ornate glass doors that led to a little shared balcony and a plain wooden door, left open, that revealed a small ensuite with a shower enclosure. “We share a balcony and our bathroom is right there. I’ll make some space in my closet for your clothes.” Ben breezed past Hux to the closet, grabbed a handful of shirts off their hangers and shoved the rest aside. Hux wondered if Ben would be scornful about how few items of clothing he had brought. But the bed seemed more important than the closet for now and Hux sat, removed his shoes and lay back, almost groaning at how good it felt.  
“Thank you again,” said Hux “It seems to be an adequately comfortable room.”  
“Well,” Ben said as Hux’s leaden eyelids closed. “I’ll leave you.”

A sudden noise woke Hux and his confusion made his head spin. He didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know what time of day it was. He groaned and rubbed his face with both hands. A quiet, apologetic voice said, “It’s me. Sorry I woke you. I came to get my things and to ask if you were coming down for dinner.”  
Memory returning, Hux sighed deeply. “Stars, let me sleep,” he slurred. Embarrassed at his inability to speak clearly, he pulled the pillow over his face. He breathed in the warm, comforting scent of Ben’s bedding and fell back into dreamless sleep. 

Generally a light sleeper, a different noise woke Hux later. He frowned, lying fully clothed in someone else’s bed, back aching a little from the too-soft mattress, trying to identify the sound that caused his alert above the random noises of an unfamiliar house. He could hear the low hum of the electrical supply and the faint hiss-hiss of water through imperfect pipes that almost made it sound like a voice whisperied within the walls. He opened his eyes and stood up to undress but did not put the light on in case he disturbed anyone else in the house with unexpected light. Turning his head this way and that, he identified the noise as coming from the small bathroom. He padded across the floor in bare feet, stopping and making a face when a loose floorboard squeaked under his toes, then stepped into the bathroom. He stopped dead, cheeks flaming and one hand clapped over his mouth, when he realised what the noise was. Ben was... Ben was _masturbating_ next door. With both doors open so that Hux could hear. He reached across and slowly, gently, pulled Ben’s bathroom door closed. 

Hux used the bathroom as quietly as possible, rinsed his face, frowning at the rough stubble on his cheeks, and undressed in the dark not wanting Ben to think that he’d listened or even know that he’d heard anything. He badly wanted to get in the shower but that would have to wait. He wondered if this would be a nightly occurrence, and if he could stand it. The boy promised to be a very attractive man one day, but for now he was off-limits, the son of his employer and probably too young. Hux slipped between the sheets, reflecting that his experience of living in dorms and bunk-rooms was useful. He could do most things in silence and in the dark. His mind returned to the young man in the next room, touching himself freely, making little noises of pleasure without a care for anyone who might overhear. Hux envied him this little freedom. _Well then,_ he thought. _If that’s allowed... might help me get back to sleep._ He imagined a boy, maybe a little older, eighteen at least, who had dark, wavy hair and deep eyes he could stare into without fear. His fantasy partner had a tall, angular frame with a broad chest and the barest hint of muscle under sun-browned skin. When he touched his cock and turned his face to the pillow, he breathed in the warm, woody scent of someone else and realised with a frisson that Ben had slept in this bed and not changed the sheets. Hux snatched his hand back from his hardening cock, face heating with shame that he found the boy attractive. _It’s wrong,_ he told himself. _Depraved. Disgusting. Immoral._ He closed his eyes and thought of his employer’s disapproval should she somehow see his desires, but his mind returned to the fantasy figure now unmistakably the forbidden boy in the next room. _Just once,_ he reassured himself as his hand clasped his cock and started to move slowly, face buried in the pillow that smelled of Ben so that any sounds he might make would be muffled. _Just once. It’s not like you’re actually going to do anything._

Hux woke with sunlight slicing through the shutters, birdsong in his ears and the sheet stuck to his stomach with his own come. He remembered his weakness of the previous night with shame and guilt, and more than a little disgust as he pulled the sheet away from his skin and wondered if he should wash it himself. He also wondered, as he took the quickest shower he could, whether Ben had also come between those same sheets and his cock gave a twitch of interest at the thought. He closed his eyes and thought of the likely mountain of paperwork detailing horrors that he would have to rank and catalogue today and his arousal subsided. He towelled off and walked nude through his bedroom until he felt dry enough to dress. Yesterday’s shirt, his best mint green linen, was crumpled and soiled from the journey and from having been slept in but he only had one spare and did not know how to ask about laundry. He made plans to purchase more clothing when he had funds and opportunity. He hung up his clean garments in the closet space Ben had cleared for him, found the half-empty pack of cigarras and lighter he’d bought out of boredom on his layover and went out onto the balcony. 

He looked over at the other balcony door, the one that led into Ben’s room, with a hot spike of guilt. He lit a cigarra and inhaled the sweet smoke that made his head spin a little. A creak and a rattle came from the other door. Had Hux not been smoking, he would have darted back into his own room. Instead he watched Ben emerge, yawning and stretching, wearing nothing but a pair of sleep shorts. He forced himself to look away and leaned on the ornate balustrade around the duracrete platform of the balcony. “Good morning,” Hux said. “Did you sleep well?”  
Ben turned to look at him. “You smoke?”  
“Not really. Just when I’m stressed. The journey here was frightful.” Hux paused to consider Ben’s likely age and whether it would be more polite to apologise and put out his own cigarra or to include Ben in his occasional bad habit, then held out the pack. “Want one?”  
Ben looked at the pack then nodded and took one. He held it carefully between finger and thumb. Hux took it back and swapped it with his own, holding it gently between his lips and bringing the glowing end of his own up to the unlit cigarra he’d given Ben. “Light it for you,” Hux said, sucking the heat from the glow of his cigarra into Ben’s until it also glowed, then he took it from his mouth and held it out. Ben leaned backwards against the balustrade and put the cigarra between his lips. He inhaled and spluttered, leaning over to retch and cough. Hux laughed and took the cigarra back, pinching out the lit end. “You don’t smoke, do you?”  
Ben recovered in a minute and stood up slowly. “Not really,” he said from behind his unruly hair. “Not that anyway. Just when some kind stranger offers. But those are disgusting.”  
Hux finished his own cigarra and went back to his room. He stopped in the doorway and looked over at Ben. _He’s not just being polite_ Hux realised with sudden clarity. _He doesn’t know who I am._ “Well then,” he said, a little sharply. “I’m not kind and you probably shouldn’t talk to strangers.” Once inside, Hux closed the balcony door and held his hands over his face. _Idiot,_ he thought. _He’s a child and you gave him tabac. The professor will fire you first thing, as soon as she smells it on him._ But there was no taking it back, no going back out and entreating Ben not to say anything. He could not afford for anyone to have that kind of power over him. He would have to be more careful.

Hux went downstairs in search of breakfast. The house seemed empty and he followed the sound of dishes clattering and people talking outside to a wide terrace that spanned the width of the back of the house. A low wall separated the terrace from the grounds beyond and a large table occupied the part of the terrace closest to the kitchen. Hux came closer and said good morning.  
“Good morning,” Leia said as a roguish looking man handed him a cup of caf. “Did you sleep well?”  
“Yes, thank you. At least, I slept long.”  
“Good.” Leia pointed at the man in charge of the caf. “This is Han, my husband and Ben’s father. There will be a lot of people for you to meet in due course but we didn’t want to overwhelm you with family on your first morning.”  
Hux raised his eyebrows at Leia’s kindness. “Thank you,” he said. Leia handed him a plate with two pastries on it and he devoured them.  
Han laughed. “I’ll go tell Em-five to boil some eggs or something. The man’s had no dinner.”  
Hux wiped his mouth with a napkin and stared morosely at his empty plate. _They probably think you ill-mannered for bolting your food,_ he thought. He looked up to see Leia smiling at him and decided it was all right. “Thank you,” he said. “You are very kind.”

Ben arrived at the table just as Hux finished eating the two warm, soft-boiled eggs that the housekeeper droid brought out to him. He looked up into Ben’s frown and leaned forward, ready to move. “Sorry, am I in your seat?”  
“Sit where you want,” Ben said, sitting opposite, accepting caf from Han and reaching across the table to get at the pastries.  
“Luke called,” said Han to Ben while offering Hux more caf. “Morning lessons are cancelled. You can show Armitage around the town this morning then introduce him to all your friends after lunch.”  
Ben raised his eyebrows at his father. “Luke cancelled lessons?”  
“Yeah, I think Leia has an idea that Armitage will be a good influence on you.” Han winked at Hux and Hux’s eyebrows shot up too. “I’m not so sure. Would it sweeten the deal if I let you borrow a couple of swoops?”  
Ben yelled in excitement. Leia’s head appeared from the terrace doors. She snapped, “No!” and Han laughed. “Not the swoops. Ben’s not licensed for those death traps. Normal speeders only.”  
“Ah c’mon. The boy’s pretty decent at piloting swoops and no one round here checks. What if we compromise? Huh? One swoop can just about carry two skinny kids like Ben and Armie here. Armie can drive. Ben can cling behind for dear life.”  
Hux followed the discussion with growing alarm. Was Ben’s father serious about allowing his son to ride a swoop? Those speeders, stripped down to an engine and a seat with the bare minimum of stabilising electronic control, were fast, twitchy and notoriously difficult to control. He would side with the Professor. “I’m afraid that won’t do at all,” he said in the most serious voice he could muster. “I’m sure normal speeder bikes will be adequate.”  
Something passed between Ben and his father, then Han looked at him and laughed. “Whatever you say! Speeder bikes it is. I’ll save the swoops for when Lando gets here later.”  
Ben’s scowl lifted immediately into a beaming grin. “Uncle Lando’s coming?”  
“Sure he is! You going to lose to him at Sabacc again?”  
Ben rolled his eyes. Hux thought with relief that a family who taught their son to gamble and ride a swoop probably wouldn’t throw him out on his ear over one puff of a cigarra. Perhaps he was, as had been said to him many times in his past, too uptight. He leaned across the table to Ben.  
“How about you teach me Sabacc later then I can play too?”  
Ben shook his head and sighed. The idea withered in under a minute and Hux resolved never to bring the issue up again.

Hux stared at his plate and sipped his caf. Leia set a glass of purple fruit juice in front of him. He thought it looked unpleasant but it would not do to be rude.  
“Armitage?” He looked up at Leia’s face. “We’ll start properly tomorrow. Take the day to orient yourself and lose some of the space-lag. I need you alert. And don’t let my husband talk you into anything idiotic.”  
Han and Leia discussed family matters and Hux half-listened as Ben joined in. At the mention of Ben sparring, Hux brought himself back into sharp focus. Ben glanced at him then looked away with an odd smile on his face. “Fine. Whatever,” Ben said, reaching for another pastry. “I’ll spar with a ten year old.”  
“Thank you, sweetheart.” Leia looked over at Hux. “Armitage?”  
“Professor Organa?” Hux tried to quell the nervousness in his voice as he met his employer’s cool gaze.  
“I have some files on the Imperial Academy on Arkanis that need indexing. Perhaps tomorrow you could—“  
Hux pushed his chair back and stood up, folding his napkin onto the table beside his plate. “I’ll do it now, if you show me where I can work,” he said. “I understand that I am not on vacation here.”  
“Tomorrow is soon enough,” replied Leia with a smile and a dismissive wave. “Today I want you to get to know your surroundings. Get comfortable here with us.”

Hux sat down again and Ben pushed the glass of juice towards him. Ben finished his breakfast and stacked his dishes into a pile. He stood up and grinned at Hux. “I’ll go get the speeder bikes ready. You can ride a speeder, yeah?”  
Hux nodded and downed the glass of juice. It tasted nothing like the bland, syrupy drink he expected. The intense flavour hit his senses and left him staring at the empty glass in surprise, wondering whether he was more delighted at how good it tasted or disappointed that he had none left. Leia laughed. “You like that? It’s fresh jogan fruit, picked this morning from our orchard.”  
Reluctantly turning away from Han, who waved the jug of purple nectar at him, Hux stood up. It would not do to seem greedy. “I expected... I don’t know what I expected. I wish I’d taken my time to enjoy it. Thank you, professor.”  
Leia shook her head. “It’s Leia.”  
Nodding a curt goodbye, he hurried after Ben.

Hux hung on Ben’s tail as they rode into town. He drew up alongside Ben’s speeder as they parked then walked beside Ben along cobbled streets with sun-warmed sandstone buildings either side and cool shade. He wanted to walk in the sunshine but Ben insisted on shade. Mouth parched from the dusty ride through country lanes, Hux found it difficult to speak.  
“Is there somewhere we can get a drink? I mean tea,” Hux said as they reached the a larger square with a fountain in the centre and gaudy awnings jutting out from shopfronts. Ben pointed to a cantina that had a few pavement tables outside. Hux went inside and ordered tarine tea. When he came back out, Ben had taken one of the tables in the shade. Hux put the drinks on the table and pulled the chair round so that he was not directly facing Ben. He sipped at the hot, bitter drink, watching Ben, wondering what to talk about. After a silence that made small talk increasingly awkward, Hux spoke. “So what do you do all day?”  
Ben shrugged. “I study the Jedi manuscripts and interpret them through meditation. I have lightsaber practice. I read other stuff, whatever I want. Mom brings us here when she has a project, which is every summer. And we come for Life Day too.”  
Hux wondered if Ben was as bored as he sounded, then tightened his lips as he considered that he might be the cause of that boredom. Surely Ben had other plans. Perhaps Ben resented playing the tour guide. Hux swallowed down the desire to apologise and leave so that Ben could get on with whatever he was actually interested in and tried again. He cleared his throat and sipped more tea. “And what is there to do for fun around here?”  
“Fun?” Ben looked up and Hux noticed with relief that he was smiling. ”There are bars and there’s a nightclub here. Sort of.”

Hux smiled. Surely the boy was too young to be visiting bars and nightclubs. “I mean,” said Hux, letting his gaze rove around the activity in the square and hoping to elicit more conversation from Ben, “what do _you_ like to do to relax?”  
“Oh?” Ben shuffled in his seat. “I guess you might find out later.”  
Embarrassed that his tone might have been interpreted as condescending and irritated by Ben’s offhand response, Hux snapped, “I _guess_ I’ll look forward to that.” But when Ben didn’t retaliate, he relaxed little by little as he drank his tea, stretching out his pale legs to reach the sunlight that crept onto the pavement, closer inch by inch to his pasty shins. When he stole glances at Ben, the boy was reclining back in his chair and looking across at the sparking cascades of the fountain. Hux felt bad for making him sit there when he probably had friends he could see. He drained his cup and stood up. “Well then. I’ll see you later. I have some business to attend to.” Hux walked across the square, hoping that he had enough credits left from his expenses for some new clothes.

He did. Hux returned to the villa, parked the speeder beside Ben’s in the garage and passed his hand above the engine bay of Ben’s speeder. It was cool. He frowned. Ben had been home for some time. Hadn’t Ben wanted to meet up with friends and spend time in town? Still frowning, Hux went to his room and hung up his new clothes, peeled off his filthy mint green shirt then used the bathroom to clean up before putting on one of his new ones. He rinsed out the soiled shirt and hung it up on the balcony to air then went downstairs and out onto the terrace, feeling more confident. Another figure stood on the terrace, a man with sand-coloured hair beginning to grey and a beige tunic that reminded Hux of the modest attire of a religious order. He spoke without turning round just as Hux reached his shoulder.  
“You must be Armitage. I’ve heard a lot about you.”  
“Oh.” Hux stood perfectly still, heart beating hard, stomach rebelling. _Here it is. I know who you really are. I know what you came from. You’re a—_  
“Yes. My sister says you are a very promising researcher and should have a bright future in the field of sentient rights.”  
“Oh!” Hux raised his eyebrows and let out a breath. The man laughed and turned, holding out a hand. Hux accepted a handshake.  
“I’m sorry. We’ve not been introduced. I’m Luke, Leia’s brother.” Luke pointed to an area of the garden where Ben stood perfectly still with his back to them then burst into fluid motion, twirling, leaping and sweeping with a stave. “Ben is my nephew. He does this to calm down when something’s bothering him.” Luke angled his head towards Hux without taking his eyes off Ben. “Any idea what that might be?” Luke’s voice grew persuasive. “You can tell me.”  
“Perhaps he resents giving up his room,” Hux suggested. Something about this unassuming man made Hux want to talk. “Or maybe having to show me around town made him miss seeing his friends. I don’t think he likes me very much.”

Hux could not take his eyes off Ben. The boy faltered, yelled, calmed himself then started over again. Luke occasionally nodded approval or hummed quiet criticism, but didn’t speak until Ben completed a complex set of moves and punched the air. Luke laughed softly. “He’s good. Very good. A little uncontrolled, but better than I ever was. When I was his age I was sulking in my bedroom playing with model star-fighters and thinking life was passing me by. What were you like, at eighteen?”  
“He’s eighteen?” Hux said the words before thinking how crass they sounded. Ben’s age was not important. He was the Professor’s son and Hux doubted that making his growing attraction known would win him any favours. He scowled as he thought of his own teenage years. “At eighteen my father was captured, tried and sentenced. Every horrific thing he’d ever done was paraded around the holofeeds for everyone to see. I boarded a freighter, bartered labour for passage and changed my name because ‘Hux’ was a liability. I would have loved for life to pass me by.”  
Luke turned to face Hux, and Hux felt embarrassment at having spoken so sharply and so truthfully. “I apologise for my outburst, sir. It was—”  
“Perfectly understandable. Forgive me, my question was thoughtless.” Luke sighed. “Force knows not one of us is immune to the repercussions of the actions of our ancestors. Your luck changed?”  
Hux smiled at the memory of the freighter captain who had taken him on, taken him in. “Yes. Working for Captain Sloane smuggling refugees out of decaying Imperial systems gave me a sense of perspective and purpose.” _For a price. Sloane got the credits. I got partial absolution._  
Luke took Hux’s arm and squeezed it once then turned back to watch Ben. “Nice work! Watch your feet on the reverse spin in the fourth form.” Ben looked over, stared for a few seconds, dropped his staff and ran off away from the house. Hux thought he heard a yell and a splash. Luke laughed. “He’s gone to cool off. I think he likes you.”

At lunch, Leia made Hux sit beside her. He looked around the table at the unfamiliar faces of Ben’s friends and family, hoping he could keep quiet. He watched as Ben sauntered up from the far end of the garden, where Luke had informed him there was a small swimming pool, with rivulets trickling down his chest from the ends of his wet hair. But Ben sat further down the table from him and on the same side, so Hux could no longer watch him. A dark-haired girl with intense eyes sat opposite Ben, laughing and pulling faces. The sound of Ben laughing back made Hux smile. Leia clapped her hands. “There are a few new faces here today,” she said. “Let’s begin with introductions. We’ll go around the table. Say your name and one fact about yourself. I’m Leia and I’m a twin. Armitage?”  
Feeling the heat rise up his face and his tongue dry in his mouth, Hux gave a nervous little laugh. “I’m Armitage,” he said, glancing once down the table, “and I am Professor Organa’s intern.”  
Hux listened, wondering how embarrassing it would be when he failed to remember all the names and facts. Leia leaned closer and said quietly enough that her words were just for him, “don’t sweat, there won’t be a quiz.” 

Introductions worked their way down one side of the table and back up the other with a brief cheer when one guest used the opportunity to flirt outrageously with another. When Ben declared, “I’m Ben and I want lunch,” Hux laughed. He got his wish to eat in silence when the girl sitting opposite turned out to be a trainee pilot and engaged Leia and a purple-haired woman called Amilyn in pilot jargon for almost and hour. Hux listened out for Ben’s voice but he heard nothing. When he looked down the table, he saw that the people sitting near Ben were chatting and giggling with each other but that Ben did not seem to be taking part. As soon as the housekeeping droid appeared to clear up, someone suggested spheredunk. The younger guests raced each other to the spheredunk court and the adults drifted behind them. Hux hung back but Ben saw him and waved. “Hey, join my team. The taller the better in this game.”  
“No,” said Hux with a forced laugh. “I’ll watch from here. You’re better off without me.”  
Ben’s opponent, a tall blonde young woman, directed her team with skill and despite his exuberance Ben’s team was losing. Luke called an interval for iced drinks and Ben walked up, stretching and shaking out his arms. _He asked me to join in. What if he doesn’t hate me? What if he might like me? Could we be intimate without doing anything wrong? How would I know?_ Hux chewed his lip for a few seconds then called Ben closer, walking to meet him. He put his hands on the bare, warm skin of Ben’s shoulder. “You’re tense. If you relaxed you’d throw better,” he said, massaging Ben’s shoulder. Hux felt Ben tense up even more and pulled his hands away as Ben twisted out from under him.  
“I’m fine,” he said, then walked away. 

Mortified about what he had just done, Hux quietly moved back from the crowd and trotted back to the house. Upstairs in his room, he paced the floor, occasional cheers and yells from the game outside reaching him like a rebuke. _What the stars were you doing?_ he demanded of himself. He felt a strong urge to run, to get away from this house and the torment of living so close to something unattainable. _He probably thinks you’re a creep. Maybe you are a creep. What did you even want? What did you expect?_ He sat on his bed—Ben’s bed—with his face in his hands, unable to answer his own questions coherently. After a minute he decided that distance would help. He could go into town, spend the rest of the afternoon reading at a cafe or wandering the narrow streets, eat from one of the street food carts, go to a nightclub and come back late having forgotten all about his failed attempt to become more friendly towards Ben. Hux went downstairs, left a note for Leia, slipped out of the house and quietly borrowed the speeder he’d used before.

In the heat of late afternoon before evening fanned the air, the town was half asleep. Hux found a side street cantina with tables in the shade and ordered a cool drink. He nursed it for over an hour as he attempted to read the book he had brought, but concentration eluded him. The cafe owner collected his empty glass and offered to serve another but he said no and asked if he may sit a while longer. Eventually he gave up trying to read and walked around the town, exploring in each direction from the fountain in the main square. Weary boredom made him consider returning to the house for dinner, but fear of being asked to explain why he had touched the Professor’s son kept him away. He wondered if Ben was upset, angry with him, or just confused by his behaviour. Hux sat on the edge of the fountain as sunset took the ferocity from the dry air. He walked a little more through alleys that opened onto smaller squares with smaller fountains and in one square he found a vendor selling something fried with a spicy coating and wrapped in the thinnest flatbread Hux had ever seen. It was delicious, and when he stood there, chewing and staring at it, the vendor, a dark haired man of maybe twenty, laughed. A loud rattle from the far corner of the square demanded Hux’s attention. The food vendor pointed. “You a tourist? That’s the nightclub. You should go dancing.”  
“I’m not a tourist,” Hux said. “Just new in town.”  
The vendor wiped his hands on a cloth and slung it over his shoulder. Hux found the movement endearing. In the fading light he saw pale skin, neat brown hair and brown eyes even darker than Ben’s. “I think you should definitely go dancing then,” he said as the first blast of music came from the cantina and rocked the square. The man leaned closer, tilting his head up to speak closer to Hux’s ear “I’ll take you.”  
Hux laughed. “Don’t you have to stay and serve food all night?”  
Another figure leaned out over the food cart. “Hey, Doph? Thanks for looking after the business.”  
The man called Doph smiled and shook his head. “Just doing a favour for a friend. Coming?”

Dopheld introduced himself on the walk across the diagonal of the square and offered to buy Hux a drink. Hux paused and Dopheld laughed. “Armie, I’m offering you a drink. That’s all. You looked like you could use company and my friends will be here in a while so we might as well hang out.”  
Hux relaxed. He smiled and nodded. “Well then, thank you. A drink. Something weak, I have to ride home on a borrowed speeder later.”  
“You staying at the Organa villa?” Dopheld asked. “Word gets around when there’s a new face in a small town like this.”  
“Yes. Does this mean everything I do will be reported back eventually to the Professor?”  
“No,” said Dopheld with a grin that almost reminded Hux of Ben. “Ben, would never forgive anyone who ratted.”  
“You know Ben?” said Hux, trying to mask his alarm as nonchalance.  
“Indeed,” said Dopheld with a wink. “We dated a while back but it didn’t work out.”

Drinks finished, square filling up with young people intent on having a good night out, Dopheld took Hux by the hand and led him to the paved dance area. Hux did his best to sway in time with the beat and Dopheld was kind enough to show him how to move, and not to laugh. Dopheld moved in closer as the music slowed and spoke loud to be heard over the song. “Just relax. You’re so tense!” Hux felt a hand on his waist and he closed his eyes, resting his own hands on Dopheld’s shoulders, sliding them around his back. He felt the weight of Dopheld’s head on his shoulder and for a minute and a half while the ballad played he held Dopheld close and dreamed that this was allowed for him, that he could be holding Ben like this. As the song ended, Dopheld raised his face and waited. All Hux could think about was kissing Ben’s wide smile and it made him burn. He pretended not to have noticed. Dopheld sighed and dropped his arms from Hux’s waist. “I suppose I’ll see you around, Armie,” he said, and walked away. 

Hux wove through the dancers and emerged on the opposite side of the square. He doubled back to where he’d left the speeder and rode slowly back to the villa. As he sat in his room and mulled over the events of the day, it hit Hux like a slap in the face that Ben probably hated him.


	2. Sink or Swim

Morning dawned quietly enough for Hux to sleep through. He woke blinking in sunlight and went out onto the balcony, where he hoped and dreaded to see Ben. He was disappointed in one instant and relieved in the next that Ben was not there. He owed apologies for having committed a faux pas the previous day by leaving without a word. At least, that was the rational explanation for why he wanted to apologise to Ben. _I touched you when you didn’t want me to. I left, although you might not have noticed. I held another man in public and nobody cared, nothing came of it. I think he wanted me to kiss him but I didn’t because I wanted it to be you, Ben. I wanted you._ He would have smoked if he hadn’t disposed of the rest of the pack already. Instead, Hux closed his eyes, gripped the balustrade and told himself to get it together, face the family and apologise. He went back inside. There was no sound from the bathroom so he went in, listening at Ben’s door for a few seconds before starting the shower. He dressed in his new clothes and combed his hair back from his face then went downstairs for breakfast.

Nobody asked for his planned excuses. Nobody even mentioned that he had been absent from the dinner table. There was one new person, a man who laughed easily and introduced himself as Lando with no elaboration at all on how he was connected to Leia. Hux watched in fascination as Lando’s hand rested on Han’s thigh when they sat together and reached over to squeeze and pat Ben’s arm. When Lando got up to fetch more caf, he wrapped his arms around Leia and kissed both of her cheeks then her lips while Han looked on, smiling as if he was proud to let another man kiss his wife. Lando’s handshake was a warm, two-handed affair and Hux had to admit that he was charmed by the easy smile and the sparkle in the man’s eyes. Had Lando offered to kiss him too, he felt that he might have accepted it as a natural way to greet a handsome stranger.

It was unfortunate that Hux was savouring a sip of fruit juice when Ben decided to reveal the extent of his leisure activities of the previous evening. At Ben’s declaration of, _I’m sure if I asked, she’d have said yes. We fooled around but we were careful,_ Hux inhaled sharply and desperately tried to contain his choking cough behind tightly closed lips. He couldn’t follow the conversation after Lando encouraged Ben to try again. Han laughed at him and said, “Ignore Lando, Armie. He’s just a bitter, jealous old man.”  
“But you love me anyway,” said Lando, stroking Han on the cheek.  
“When you two teenagers have finished flirting,” said Leia with a shake of her head and a laugh, “maybe you could drop Armitage off at the public records office.”

Throat still stinging, red-faced and unable to speak, Hux nodded at Leia’s amused smile. Aware that Ben was looking at him, no doubt thinking he was a fool, Hux resisted the temptation to glance over in case eye contact made him combust on the spot from embarrassment at Ben’s easy confession and the family’s acceptance that Ben was engaging in sexual activity with his girlfriend.  
“Mom?” Ben called to Leia. ”I thought we could invite the Mitakas over sometime. They’ve not been here for a while.”  
Leia considered the idea for a few seconds then agreed. “It’s nice of you to suggest people for a change. You used to be quite close with their boy, Dopheld, didn’t you? Call Meelu and ask her to come too. I like her.”  
_Is Meelu the girlfriend?_ Hux wondered. _And Dopheld? Dopheld!_ Hux almost gagged on his pastry at the realisation that the man he’d brushed off last night might be a dinner guest requiring polite conversation. Ben grunted and stood up. Hux watched him leave.

“Ready when you are, kid,” Han said, landing a solid hand on Hux’s shoulder on the way past. “Public records office, huh?”  
“Yes, sir,” replied Hux. “I will be cross referencing missing persons reports with labour records from Imperial-run facilities.”  
Han laughed. “No one calls me ‘sir’ unless I’m in trouble. Meet me out front in five”.  
As Hux hurried through the house to fetch his bag, he paused to tell Emmfive, the housekeeping droid, that he would be absent from lunch and dinner.

Lando was already in the pilot seat of the souped-up speeder so Han lounged in the back with Hux. Once the door sealed and the cabin temperature dropped to a pleasant chill, Han turned a serious face to Hux. “You were shocked by Ben’s conversation topic this morning.” It wasn’t a question, so Hux only nodded. Han inclined his head a little. “Do you think his openness is wrong? Would silencing the boy with disapproval stop him? Do you think he should stop himself from having fun while he can?”  
Hux felt his face heat up despite the controlled atmosphere of the speeder cabin. “It’s not that,” he said. “I was brought up with a very rigid framework for right and wrong. Misguided, I have learned since. But it is very difficult to unlearn.” Hux swallowed. “Openly seeking, um, that variety of, ah, pleasure outside of a formal relationship agreement would have brought punishment and isolation.”  
“Stars! You can barely even say the words,” said Han, shaking his head. “Ben is old enough to have sex with his girlfriend, or his boyfriend when he has one, although I disapproved of his crush on Leia’s last intern on the grounds that he was a heartbreaker.” Hux did not respond. Han leaned closer. “What are you, Armitage?”  
“Not interested in your son,” replied Hux. From the cockpit, Lando laughed.  
“Of course you’re not,” said Han, leaning back. “Never said you were.”

Lando pulled the speeder to a stop close to the public records office and Hux got out, reeling from the sudden blast of heat as the speeder door opened. Hux watched the vehicle leave, trying to process what Han had told him. Ben was sexually active and his family approved, or at least did not disapprove. He decided to put the matter from his mind for now and concentrate on his work. Sitting in a private study booth, the atmosphere set for the preservation of elderly electronics, paper and flimsi, Hux felt himself relax for the first time since his arrival. He worked methodically, finding names and physical descriptions that matched on incompatible databases, and by the time his stomach informed him that it was lunchtime he thought he had identified two firm matches and one possible. He commed the firm matches to the Professor and hummed about the potential before sending it separately. He bought lunch at the cantina nearest the records office and returned there as soon as he had bolted his food.The comm unit on the desk glowed with a new message. It was from the Professor.

_Good work. You have made a very promising start. Focus on historical misper reports from Kashyyyk next. Don’t mind Han and Lando._

At such praise from Leia, Hux worked harder. He called the librarian and asked for records pertaining to the Wookiee homeworld and immersed himself in the Empire’s systematic destruction of their land and culture until his emotions were drained and his head could take no more. By dinnertime he had no desire for food. Instead, a renewed hatred of his family allegiance to the Empire gnawed at his gut. Hux worked through, identifying one possible match of a Wookiee forced to work in the spice mines to an individual unaccounted for after the liberation of Kashyyyk. He sent the details to Leia then called the librarian again to find out if he could secure the same study booth for the next day and leave his work in place until then. For a small fee the overnight security of his belongings was assured with a biometric scan of his hand that would lock and unlock the door to his booth. He stretched and yawned and walked out into a dark and silent street. The librarian locked the main doors behind him. In need of space to think, Hux bought food from a street cart and ate it in a corner of a quiet square then took a speeder-cab most of the way back to the villa.

The house was not yet at rest. Hux snuck inside and upstairs without anyone noticing him, a skill he had honed during his time with his father, and lay on his bed. His memory skittered over the day from Ben’s revelation at breakfast to Han’s heart-to-heart in the speeder and Lando’s low laugh. _Is it possible that Ben likes me?_ Hux wondered. _He had a crush on Leia’s last intern, the heartbreaker. Is it possible that his blunt awkwardness isn’t hatred but... something else? He doesn’t seem shy, but could he be?_

Hux sneered at himself and resolved to find out about this heartbreaker Ben had held in such high esteem the previous year. He let his mind wander, drifting from scenes where the Professor smiled, shook his hand and congratulated him for his diligence and attention to detail, to scenes where Ben expressed some faint admiration for his work and they could talk about the Empire as if it was not still a huge, looming presence everywhere in the galaxy. Hux scoffed at himself. Picking up a book and his small flashlight, Hux settled on the balcony. As the evening passed and the biting insects swarmed, he found his concentration challenged. He retreated indoors and reclined on his bed, thoughts wandering away from his book and more and more towards Ben. He checked his chrono. It would be an hour or more before tonight’s guests left and Ben was free to come upstairs to lurk in the adjoining room. It made sense to Hux that he should shower now before Ben wanted the bathroom. And it would save time in the morning.

And if he allowed his mind and his hands to wander in the shower, what of it? Hux shuddered and shivered as he let the water spray cool his back. Water coursed down his chest and he gasped at the cold, sighing in pleasure as his skin acclimatised to the temperature. He wondered again about Ben and last year’s intern. In his head, last year’s intern was everything he was not. Suave and handsome to his awkward and plain. A broad giant to his beanstalk. Maybe someone like Lando, only without the silvering in his glossy, perfect hair.

Perhaps Ben would come back and find Hux there, in the shower, cool water keeping his arousal manageable. Perhaps Ben would be petulant, complain that Hux was taking too long. Perhaps Hux would tell him to grow up and get in beside him. And perhaps Ben would pout then do as he was told.  
“Called your bluff,” Ben might say.  
“I never bluff,” Hux might reply, and Ben might arch his beautiful eyebrows and smile.  
“That’s what I hoped you’d say. Help me with my hair.”  
And Hux imagined washing and rinsing that mane of black-brown waves. He’d take care to rinse every strand then comb it into place with his fingers. Ben would look at him the way Dopheld did after that one dance, and Hux would kiss him gently. Just a touch of their lips to declare his interest, no more. Ben was only eighteen and must not be tainted by Hux’s own desires projected onto him. But _this_ Ben would hold Hux’s head and kiss him back. With a soft curse, Hux clasped his cock in one hand, rested his forehead on his other arm against the wall, and brought himself off in a few efficient strokes. He rinsed out the shower enclosure and retreated to his bedroom. As he slid into bed, he heard Ben go into his room then yellow light from the bathroom spilled into Hux’s room. He watched the glow fade and flicker as Ben clattered around the small bathroom, then steady as the shower hissed into life. When he heard Ben’s soft, repetitive grunts, Hux pulled the covers over his head.

Hux rose early, got dressed and barely stopped for breakfast. Unencumbered by the research materials he had left at the records office, he took advantage of the morning cool to run into town. He lost himself in hours of painstaking cross referencing, again sending Leia details of any matching records, only taking a break when he could not ignore his hunger and thirst any longer. As the afternoon sun baked the outside of the buildings, Hux remained cool inside until the librarian came to tell him politely that she had a home and a family who liked to see her from time to time and perhaps he would like to rent the booth for an extended period rather than waste time tidying up before he left for the night. Hux apologised at once, paid for a week and left.

Dinner was about to start when the cab dropped Hux off. He went straight to the terrace, said his hellos when, at Leia’s prompting, Ben introduced the guests. He was relieved that Dopheld neither smiled nor scowled at him. Hux took a seat at the far end of the table away from Ben. He responded politely to Dopheld’s parents’ attempts to engage him in smalltalk, but covertly watched when Ben hand-fed part of his meal to the pretty twi’lek girl sitting opposite. Hux gritted his teeth. _That must be Meelu,_ he thought. _Ben has a girlfriend._ The sound of Ben and Meelu laughing and the sight of Meelu sucking sauce from Ben’s fingers while Dopheld shook his head and grinned made him angry. _It’s rude. It’s distasteful at the dinner table. Why is no one telling them to stop this shameful display?_ Hux looked away, interrogating himself about the true source of his anger since no one else spared them as much as a frown. Dopheld’s mother was smiling at him.  
“Young love,” she said, nudging her husband. “I wonder why you never show me affection like that any more?”  
Dopheld’s father laughed and held up a piece of fruit soaked in honey. “Here you are, my sweet,” he said, while from further down the table Lando’s laugh and Dopheld’s plaintive cry of, “Ugh, mom, dad, stop that!” went ignored.

Wandering down the garden, wine glass in hand, trying to avoid company without making himself look antisocial, Hux heard Ben a step or two behind him. He let Ben catch up and they stood in the shade at the edge of the orchard. Ben smiled a little too brightly. “Doph’s a really nice guy,” he said. “I saw you two dancing in town. Looks like you really hit it off.”  
“Did we?” Hux replied, eyes fixed on a spheredunk shootout between Leia and Lando. “He’s not really my type.”  
Ben went quiet. “Well,” he said eventually. “He likes you but he’s a bit shy. Why don’t you go talk to him?”  
Hux’s anger surged again. He glared at Ben, choosing his words and his tone to avoid an outburst. “Are you matchmaking?” Ben’s eyes widened and he shook his head. “If that’s what you’re up to, you can stop it right now.” Hux immediately regretted his snappish attitude. He sighed and shook his head. “Look, just because you’ve got a girl doesn’t mean you have to pair everyone else up too.”  
“That’s not what I’m doing!” Ben protested with a scowl, then he walked away. Hux watched as Ben leaned over to Meelu, murmured something that made her giggle and nod, then walked with her back into the house. When he looked back at the spheredunk court, Lando was waving to him.  
“Hey Armie, play, will you? Don’t worry about the rules. There aren’t any.”  
A spheredunk ball sailed towards him and he caught it, frowned then shrugged. He jogged onto the court, convinced that he could not possible make a bigger fool of himself than he already had.

Hux found to his complete surprise that he enjoyed the pointlessness of spheredunk. His height gave him a slight advantage but Leia’s aim was deadly accurate. Han appeared to be playing to lose. New teams arranged themselves with Han, Leia and Lando as captains, but nobody seemed to be able to remember whose team anyone else was on and the game ended with laughter and no final score. The Mitakas left, taking Dopheld with them, Han refilled the wine glasses one last time, and Leia joined Hux at the small table and chairs beside the swimming pool.  
“You disapprove,” she said.  
Hux didn’t bother to deny or to ask what she thought his disapproval centred on. He sighed. “I try not to.”  
“I know.” Leia squeezed Hux’s forearm where it rested on the table. “I imagine your teenage years must have been quite different from Ben’s.”  
Hux pressed his lips into a tight line, determined not to bring up memories he’d rather let shrivel and fade in case he sounded like he was playing for sympathy. “In many ways Ben seems quite innocent,” he said. “He’s been sheltered from all of the horror.” As the words formed in the air, Hux felt ashamed at his envy. “Of course that’s how it should be. That was how it should have been for me too. At eighteen, all Ben worries about is his sabre form and his girlfriend. I wish the same could had been true for myself.”  
Leia’s face softened a little and Hux feared that she would express sympathy and then he might let loose emotion he had smothered too tightly for too long. But Leia only smiled.  
“I’m glad you see that. I’m glad your old life hasn’t hardened you completely. But there are some things I can’t keep from him.” They sipped wine for a few minutes in comfortable silence, then Leia said, “He doesn’t know anything about you. Ben was twelve and on a Jedi retreat with Luke when Brendol’s trial hit the holofeeds.” She smiled. “I want him to see that not everyone with connections to the Empire is lost. He likes you a lot.”  
“Likes me?” Hux scoffed. “He tried to set me up with Dopheld Mitaka tonight.”  
Leia almost choked on her wine. She spluttered a laugh, hand over her mouth, then coughed until her eyes watered while Hux looked on in alarm. She took a few heaving breaths, hand on her chest, and recovered into a wide grin. “That’s very _Ben_. He wants you to be happy so you’ll stay. And Ben inherited tact from Han, I’m afraid. Is Dopheld not your type?”  
Hux felt his face flush but the horror that would have beset him at that question only a few days ago was missing. “I’m not aware that I have a type,” he said, thinking of Ben’s wavy hair and Ben’s wide smile and Ben’s tall frame and Ben’s wide shoulders. “In that respect I lack sufficient data to bother compiling a catalogue.”

Leia laughed, squeezed his arm again, finished her wine, said goodnight and went back to Han, Lando and a tall woman who had introduced herself as Amilyn and greeted Leia with a kiss. Hux waited a few minutes and went back into the house. He crept upstairs and into his room, avoiding the squeaky floorboard in case Ben was asleep, and went out onto the balcony. He realised with horror when he saw that Ben’s balcony door was open and he heard soft, lazy voices, that Ben was awake and Meelu was still with him. Hux stood perfectly still in case some movement gave him away. Meelu’s voice sailed out.  
_“I wish I was in love with you.”_  
_“I don’t think I’m capable of falling in love. Or maybe it’s staying in love that’s the problem.”_  
_“We should go back out.”_  
Hux used the sound of Ben and Meelu moving around to cover his footfalls as he returned to his room in case they wanted to use the balcony. This time Meelu’s voice echoed from the bathroom.  
_“You’re a very considerate lay. I like that in a fuck buddy.”_

Hux waited for them to leave then went into the bathroom for his nightly routine. he opened the bathroom cabinet where Ben had thoughtfully cleared a shelf for his things. There, on his shelf, beside his toothbrush and his shaving kit, sat a pack of condoms and a bottle of lube. He closed the cabinet with a bang, waited a few seconds, then opened it again. There was space on Ben’s shelf and Hux frowned, moving the condoms and lube to Ben’s territory. But that would mean Ben would know he had reacted to the blatant message that Ben was sexually active, so after he’d brushed his teeth he moved the items back then went to bed. Sleep eluded him until the small hours. What did it mean? Was Ben really sending him a message? Did Ben want to be regarded as an adult? Sexually experienced? Was Ben trying to impress him?  
_I don’t think I’m capable of falling in love._  
Ben’s words may have been reassuring to Meelu, but to Hux they sounded devastating.

For the next three days, Hux started early and worked late. For two days he toiled alone in the local public records office. On the third, Leia suggested that they take a trip to the city and use the central records office, and they worked together without a single mention of Ben although Hux felt muffled by the subject like a fog around his head. Mid-afternoon, Leia said they had enough to deal with for the moment and suggested finishing early. Hux gathered the papers and datachips he had accumulated and asked for them to be transferred to the local office where he had set up a kind of home. Leia drove them home in a quiet mood. The sheer scale and content of some of the Imperial records they had unearthed had sapped their mental resources completely.

Once back at the villa, Hux went up to his room to change for dinner. He pulled off his shirt, opened his closet, and frowned. His mint green shirt was not hanging evenly so he took it out and straightened it on its hanger. He brought it up to his face to decide if he could wear it or not. He stopped in surprise. Mingled with the smell of the soap he had used to remove the worst of the stains and the undercurrent of sweat, was another scent. Hux closed his eyes and inhaled. His shirt smelled a little of Ben. Hux gathered up his soiled clothing and the mint green shirt and dumped it all in the laundry basket in the bathroom for the housekeeper droid to deal with tomorrow. As he pulled on another shirt, he juggled with the ideas that Ben might like him, and that Ben pursued sexual activity as he chose, and that Ben’s parents knew and approved and even encouraged him a little. _What if I could allow it for myself? What if all my guilt and loathing are a part of me that I could excise like a tumour? What if I am denying myself out of fear of consequences that would never even cross their minds? What if he knew my history, would he hate me then?_ Still mulling over his feelings, Hux took the new shirt off and pulled the green one from the laundry and put it on.

At dinner, Hux chose a seat two places away from Ben but on the opposite side of the table so that he could see Ben’s face. Leia’s guests were exhausting, but once Hux realised that they would keep up a constant stream of conversation that did not require anyone else to do more than smile and nod, or mirror their own expressive faces, he relaxed and concentrated on his food and Ben’s face. Ben caught him staring as Lando served dessert and the guests argued with themselves about politics, but instead of looking away Hux shook his head slowly and gave an exaggerated roll of his eyes. He smiled when Ben snorted and hid a giggle.

After dessert, Ben fled. Leia quietly asked Hux to go see if Ben was feeling okay. He found Ben at the table by the pool, wine glass by his elbow and book open in his hand although it was too dark to read easily. Hux walked closer, hands clenching and unclenching, palms beginning to feel warm. He forced his hands open and wiped them on his shorts. “Mind if I join you?”  
Ben looked round and shrugged. “Suit yourself, if that means you’ve stopped avoiding me.” He kicked the second chair and Hux sat on it.  
“I wanted to talk to you about something personal,” Hux said.  
“So talk,” Ben snapped. “Sorry, I’m still reeling from dinner.”  
“Well then,” said Hux with a smile. “Let’s sit quietly until you stop. Tell me when you’re ready.”  
“I’m a grown up. I can take it, whatever you need to talk to me about.”  
Hux felt his fear returning. He wanted to stand up and pace, ready to run if Ben turned on him. He looked away, watching the moon’s reflection in the still, dark surface of the pool.  
“There is no easy or nice way to say this but—“  
“You don’t have to say anything—“  
“My father was Brendol Hux, commandant of the Imperial Academy on Arkanis. A convicted war criminal.”  
“Oh!” Ben placed his book on the table and looked at Hux with his eyebrows raised. Hux felt the scrutiny but continued to stare at the water.  
“They all call me Armitage because nobody wants to be associated with a Hux. I assumed you knew and didn’t mind but Leia said you probably didn’t know about my family.” Ripples formed and broke on the pool surface like miniature ocean waves. Hux wondered if Ben was doing that with the strange abilities that he shared with some of his family members. “I changed my legal name from Armitage Hux to Armitage Sloane. Years ago. I don’t know why I introduced myself to you as Armitage Hux. To see if you’d react, I suppose, to see if Leia had entertained you all with horror stories about my father.” _Or perhaps I was just so scrambled from my journey here that I forgot my name._  
“Do you want me to call you something else? Sloane? Armitage? Armie?”  
‘Armie’ made Hux pull a face. “I like that only you call me Hux,” he said, only just realising this was true. “From you it sounds pure. There’s no judgment in your face and no disgust in your voice when you say it. When you call me Hux, you’re speaking to me and not to the atrocities committed by my father. Anyway, I told you. So you know.”  
Hux glanced at Ben. Ben was frowning and chewing his lip. His face cleared and he said, “My other grandfather was Darth Vader. We don’t talk about it. I think I’m not supposed to know.”  
“Fuck!” Hux couldn’t stop his shocked laugh.  
“I want you to call me Kylo.” Ben shrugged but smiled although he would not meet Hux’s gaze. “It’s my true name, the name I hear when I’m most connected through the Force. I have not told Luke or Leia or Han. I think they’d freak out if I said I heard a voice calling to me when I’m in my very deepest meditations.”  
Hux was quiet for a few seconds, contemplating Ben’s revelations. He stood up and tucked the chair back under the table, resisting the temptation to take Ben’s—Kylo’s—hand. “Very well. Thank you for not judging me and for trusting me. Goodnight, Kylo.”  
Hux went to bed in a better mood than he had ever known but sleep eluded him until the sky greyed and the birds began their dawn cacophony.

In the morning, despite the tiredness that lent an unreal fog to his consciousness, Hux smiled warmly at Ben, and Ben smiled back. Leia caught the moment and nodded to Han, who raised his eyebrows. “Sweetheart,” Leia handed Ben his caf. “Would you mind going into town with Armitage this morning and helping out with some errands?”  
Hux pulled apart his pastry to get to the sweet centre. He heard Ben reply with a casual agreement, then finished the pastry and tapped his fingers on the table. “I’ll be ready when you are,” he said as he stood up. Ben stuffed a second pastry into his mouth and followed. Hux went straight to the garage to get the speeders out and waited for Ben, who came trotting up a few minutes later. They rode into town and arranged to meet up at a cantina that sold tea in two hours. Hux didn’t need as long as that to collect some of his papers from the public record office and he was soon sitting sipping tea, leafing through some of his work, unaware that the planet’s rotation had brought the pale skin of his legs into direct sunlight. A welcome voice brought him out of his thoughts.  
“You’re burning. Didn’t you wear sunscreen?”

Ben was pointing at Hux’s knees, which had started turning pink. He cursed and got up, gathered his papers and followed Ben back to the speeders. Ben looked over before he started up the engine, and said, “I know how we can cool that off.” Hux saw Ben’s wide smile and responded with a nod. On the way back to the villa, Ben took a side path through some trees, shade giving Hux a little relief from the growing late morning heat. The track vanished and they negotiated tussocks of tall grass, soft and green low to the ground but with yellowing spikes at the tips. Hux stopped his speeder behind Ben’s, and Ben got off, pointing. Hux followed him down to the shore of a lake where a small, gravel beach lay shaded by trees. “This is my place,” Ben said. “I come here when I want to be on my own to read or to meditate. It’s mine. I don’t think anyone else knows about it.”  
Hux walked down the rough beach. Ben jogged past him, removing his shirt and shoes, splashing straight into the water, then looked back and waved Hux closer. “Coming?”  
Feeling light, Hux laughed, pulled off his canvas shoes and waded into the water, hissing at the unexpected cold, until it covered his pink knees. “I’m not taking my shirt off,” he said. “Sunburn.”  
“I can cool that for you too,” Ben said with a laugh, making a sweeping gesture with his arms. A wall of water rose up and over Hux, held by nothing that Hux could explain, then fell like a waterfall over his head and shoulders. Hux stood with his mouth open, drenched, staring at Ben. He launched himself into Ben, laughing. “I can’t believe you... You just... Kylo!” Hux and Ben grappled until Ben tipped them over and they both splashed, yelling and giggling, under the water.

Ben was not really putting up a fight. Hux knew that Ben could easily have evaded his manoeuvres and beaten him, but he didn’t. If it was a strategy designed to prolong the play-fight, Hux went along with it joyfully, delighting in the illicit physical contact as Ben’s hands all but groped and his own felt the warm solidity of Ben’s upper body. After a mouthful of lake water when Ben held him around the waist and spun so that Hux was fully submerged for a couple of seconds, Hux called it off. He swam then waded to shallower water. Ben followed a minute later and they stood face to face. Ben held eye contact and smiled then took a slow step forwards over the imaginary perimeter of Hux’s personal space. Hux caught his breath and stared back. Was this the moment? Was Ben going to say something? Do something? Time stretched too far and snapped. Hux let out his breath in a quiet sigh and a single word, _”Kylo.”_ Ben broke eye contact, laughed and walked away. Hux wanted desperately to call him back.

They rested together under the shade of the trees. Hux opened his shirt to let it dry more quickly and sat with his elbows on the knees of his crossed legs. Ben lay back with his head on his bag and his book in his hand.  
Hux looked out over the sparkling surface of the lake. “Can I ask you about your family?”  
“If you want,” Ben replied.  
“You’re Leia and Han’s son.”  
Ben’s voice turned droll. “Did your fact checking confirm that?”  
“Insolent boy.” Hux smiled and swatted Ben’s arm. “How does Lando fit in? I mean, he’s not actually your uncle, is he?”  
“It’s either very complicated or very simple,” said Ben with a laugh. “Depends on your opinions. Leia and Han were involved at the end of the Empire and decided to stick with each other because they are good for each other and they had me. Han and Lando are on-again-off-again but they go way back. Leia and Amilyn have been inseparable _forever._ Luke is my only actual uncle. They all love each other in different ways, I suppose, and that’s okay.” Ben smiled at Hux. “Simple.”

Hux smiled back retrieved his papers and they lazed together reading until the heat sapped their concentration. Ben dropped his book and Hux weighted his papers with a rock then lay down too as the slight breeze carried the mineral scent of lake water across the beach. A deep sigh from Ben stirred Hux from a state near slumber.  
“What?” he asked.  
“I love this. All of this. Being here.”  
Hux thought about how Ben had brought him here, to his favourite place where he came to be alone. He wanted to say thank you, that he was grateful for the honour, the trust that Ben showed him. He propped himself up on one elbow to look at Ben but the boy’s eyes were closed and he had a contented look on his face. Hux could have leaned over and kissed him. Instead he asked, “Being here... with me?”  
“Yeah that’s okay I guess,” Ben replied immediately, grinning.

Hux laughed. He studied Ben’s face for a while, admiring its lines and curves, the broad sweep of his forehead and the dark hair that grew thick from his hairline, the few dark speckles that graced his tanned skin, and the wide lips that he wanted to feel on his own. Absently, Hux reached his hand up to Ben’s face, tracing the outline of Ben’s features, exploring his smooth jawline and parted lips. Ben caught Hux’s finger for a fraction of a second before Hux snatched it away, apology ready for having dared, but Ben sat up, face so close to his that he could feel Ben breathe. Hux did not dare move until Ben leaned in the final inch that separated their lips. He felt Ben’s lips soft on his for a brief second. He thought he might freeze out of fear that he would move too fast, too far, but his hand found Ben’s face, cupping his jaw. Ben kissed him again with more confidence, tongue slipping across Hux’s lips. It was far too much and not nearly enough all at once. Hux groaned and gave in, kissing Ben back, accepting Ben’s tongue into his mouth, feeling the exciting tingle of arousal in his groin until a sudden spike of guilt overwhelmed him. He rolled away and Ben almost landed on his face.

After a few seconds, Hux asked, “Does that feel better, Kylo?”  
Ben shook his head and made a noise somewhere between a sigh and a laugh then clambered onto Hux, pushing him onto his back and kissing him again. Again, Hux welcomed it for a few seconds before his fears got hold of him. He turned so that Ben rolled onto the grass.  
Hux sat up. “No,” he said. “We shouldn’t. We can’t.”  
“We can do what we want!”  
“No.” Hux spoke more firmly. “I don’t want—”  
His protest was cut off by Ben’s hand landing firmly in his groin, cupping his half-hard cock and massaging it. “I think you do want.”  
Hux gasped at his flare of arousal, torn between shying away and pulling Ben back on top of him, rutting against him and taking Ben’s invitation to an embarrassingly fast conclusion. While he had some shred of resolve left, Hux put his hand over Ben’s, steadying it, afraid that any changes in pressure or movement, even through the fabric of his shorts, would result in humiliation. He laced their fingers together and pried Ben’s hand away from his crotch. He held Ben’s hand on his knee then moved it onto Ben’s thigh. “No,” he repeated. “I’ve been good. I’ve done nothing wrong yet. There’s nothing to regret.” Hux stood up and dusted himself down. He held out his hand and Ben took it, pulling himself to his feet.

Hux led the way home, all the while wondering if it would really have been so wrong.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/139039409@N06/46650302435/in/dateposted-ff/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by me :)


	3. Going with the flow

Lunch was almost over when Hux and Ben returned. They sat in the only two vacant seats, opposite one another, and ate sweet fruit puddings with ice cream. Hux eased off his shoes and when he put his bare feet back on the cool flagstones of the terrace, one foot landed on Ben’s. Ben smiled without looking up so Hux left it there, occasionally squeezing with his toes until halfway through dessert when Hux glanced across at Ben to check he was not getting annoyed by the hidden physical contact, and Ben’s eyes appeared unfocused. His spoon dropped from his fingers. In a flash, Hux was on his feet and around the table. He caught Ben just before his head smacked the flagstones.  
“I’ve got him,” Hux said as Han reached them too.  
“He’ll be okay, this happens sometimes.” Han pressed a hand to Ben’s forehead. “Help me take him inside. Somewhere cool. Living room’s in shade this time of day.” Between them, Hux and Han lifted Ben and Han carried him to the living room, setting him on the sofa. “I’ll go tell Leia.”  
“Then I’ll sit with him and keep his feet up until he comes round,” Hux said, pulling Ben onto his side like he’d learned in some Academy class long ago, and easing his lower legs up so that he could sit underneath.

After about two minutes, Ben twitched and blinked. He groaned.  
“Are you okay?” Hux said. “Was that my fault?”  
Ben rubbed his face awkwardly and shook his head. Hux tensed his legs, ready to move if Ben needed anything. “Not you. Don’t go,” he said, yawning and struggling to form words.  
Hux patted Ben’s knees, “Very well. Does this happen a lot?” Ben’s shoulders moved. Hux recognised an attempt at his usual shrug, and smiled. Ben curled up with his arm as a pillow and shivered while Hux stroked his arm gently. “What’s on your mind?”  
Ben sighed and raised his free hand to rub Hux’s shoulder. “Death,” he said. “At least I didn’t puke. I hope.”

Hux laughed and picked up one of Ben’s feet. He stroked the top and kneaded the sole. Ben tried to pull his foot away and his hand pulled at the fabric of Hux’s shirt, popping one of the buttons. “Let me,” Hux said. “You’ll feel better.”  
Hux felt Ben’s leg relax. Ben’s eyes closed again and his hand caressed Hux’s shoulder as Hux squeezed and stroked Ben’s foot firmly enough not to tickle. He massaged Ben’s other foot too until Ben’s hand opened and slipped from his shoulder. Hux watched Ben sleep, counted his even breaths and felt for his heartbeat under his shirt. Ben seemed to be in a natural sleep and showed no sign of waking up so when Hux heard voices from outside, friends of Ben’s, he kissed Ben’s ankles and carefully rose from the sofa.

Meelu and Unamo were in the driveway as Hux fetched his speeder from the garage. He stopped to say good afternoon. “I’m afraid Ben is feeling unwell,” he said. “He might not be up to much activity. I expect he’d like company though. He’s asleep on the sofa.”  
Unamo went inside to see Ben. Meelu cocked her head at Hux, lekku coiling at the tips. “You’re leaving him to us?” she asked.  
“I have to go out,” Hux said. “He’s all yours.”  
Meelu snorted. “I doubt that,” she said as she walked away.

Hux shrugged at Meelu’s back and set off on his speeder. He went into town first and shut himself in his study booth but found it difficult to focus in the tiny space. At closing time, he packed up his work, bought some food and rode the speeder to the small beach Ben had revealed to him earlier. He sat on the gravel, eating his meal and staring out over the lake.  
_Ben showed me where he comes to be alone. His secret. Where he wanted to be alone with me._  
Hux sighed and shifted to try to make himself more comfortable as the breeze failed to cool him.  
_He trusted me. I should have been better. Should’ve said no right away._  
Yellow-white sunlight slanting through the trees behind Hux made the ripples on the lake sparkle and dance brightly enough that he blinked.  
_He’s old enough for Meelu or Dopheld. But I’m older than them. I’ve seen more. Done more in most respects. But perhaps not where it matters to Ben._  
Up above, bats flitted out from the canopy, skimming across the lake surface then fluttered up into the air again. Hux watched their erratic flight paths as they flew this way and that, snapping up small insects. The slight wind was changing direction. Instead of the cooling daytime breeze that blew from the lake over the land, it began to sweep the evening warmth from the land out over the lake. Hux stood up and removed his shirt and his shoes. After a moment’s consideration as to the likelihood of being seen, he removed his shorts too and waded nude into the chilly water. As soon as the water was deep enough, he dived under and swam.  
_How far would he have wanted it to go? What did he expect from me?_  
The cold water cleared Hux’s head and he felt more awake and alive than he had done for weeks. He swam back towards the beach and splashed around lazily, floating on his back with occasional slow strokes and kicks to keep him in place.  
_If I’d let him continue, would he have been happy with kissing and touching? Or would he have wanted us to have sex?_  
The thought troubled Hux. He frowned at the fading sky and swam more strongly for a few minutes. He counted one hundred strokes out into the lake and one hundred and seven back then stood up in the shallows, water running down his skin, glad of the warm breeze.  
_I liked the kissing. Maybe I want more, but in my own time. When he’s ready for a relationship based on more than sexual pleasure. When I’m sure it’s me he wants and not whatever idea he has constructed of who he thinks I am._

Hux returned to the beach. He stood and stretched tired muscles, deciding to dress when he was dry. The breeze ghosted across his skin and made him tingle. The act of standing nude in a place where anyone who knew how to find it might see him added a frisson of excitement that peaked his nipples, and his recent thoughts about Ben soon had him half hard.  
_What if Ben happened to come here too tonight?_  
Hux dismissed the thought. Ben was unwell and even if he thought himself recovered, he would not be permitted to leave the care of his family tonight.  
_But what if I was here like this one evening, swimming, and he joined me?_  
Hux huffed at himself. He shouldn’t. He had promised the first time would be the last, and the second time. And the third. But each time he felt the desire to touch himself, Hux knew his imagination would return to the same tall, rangy figure with luxurious dark hair, a ready smile and deep brown eyes.  
_It’s not real. There’s no harm in it._

Walking back down to the edge of the water, Hux let the cold lap at his toes. He sank to his knees, sitting back on his heels with his legs parted, and closed his eyes. Ben’s speeder would roar and whine to a stop and Ben would leap off, whooping in joy as he pulled his clothes off and left them strewn on the beach. He would run into the water and swim out, diving under the surface and emerging metres away, worrying Hux with his ability to hold his breath. He’d see Hux in the shallows and he’d swim up and sit beside him. “You like it here too,” he’d say. “No one comes here but us. It’s our place.”  
Hux would agree. “What would you like to do, Kylo?” he would ask. Ben would smirk at him.  
“What do you imagine?”  
“You want me to kiss you.”  
“Of course.”  
Hux would cradle Ben’s face and kiss him. Ben would want more, push Hux over to lie on his back in barely half an inch of water and straddle him, leaning down to kiss him harder. The real Hux lay back in the shallows, one hand on his lips, the other on his erection, cold water tickling his skin.  
“You want more,” imaginary Ben would say. “I want more too. What do you want?”  
“I want this,” Hux would say, touching Ben’s cock, “in my mouth.”  
Real Hux paused, surprised at himself. _Do I want that? Well then, I suppose if I imagined it, perhaps I do._  
“You can have it,” Ben would say with a laugh, “and I’ll do the same for you.”  
Imaginary Ben would move, one knee planted wide either side of Hux’s head and the head of his cock just within reach of Hux’s lips. Hux would have to reach up for it, suck it into his mouth, while Ben would tease at his balls and take only the tip of his cock until Hux raised his hips. Ben would tease and deny until Hux was able to withstand no more. Then Hux would pull Ben down onto him and they would suck each other off. The real Hux, lying alone in the lake shallows, spattered his stomach and chest. He washed himself off and sat high on the beach until the evening air dried him, then he got dressed.  
_Thoughts and feelings are not wrong. It’s only wrong if I act on them._  
Of course Ben would never throw himself at Hux in that way. And of course if he did, Hux would have to turn him down.

Unwilling to return to the villa and have to explain where he’d been and why he’d missed dinner, Hux lay on the beach intending to spend half an hour in quiet contemplation of his predicament. When he woke, the moon hung high above him and stars twinkled in the indigo sky. When he concentrated, he could just make out the pale band of the galactic plane streaked across the sky. He returned to his speeder, stumbling a little over the tough grass, and headed home. He could see the house was mostly in darkness so he coasted the speeder into the garage and crept inside. Internally cursing when he forgot about the squeaky floorboard in his room, he got ready for bed as quickly and quietly as possible. The bathroom doors were both open and he realised with a sudden flash of desire that Ben’s door was open wide enough that he could see Ben lying asleep, naked on top of his bed. He pulled the door closed more violently than he’d intended and went to bed.

Next morning, there was no sign of life from Ben’s room. Hux showered quickly and dressed then went to breakfast. As he was finishing, Ben arrived, yawning and tousled. Hux drank his jogan fruit juice and nodded to Ben.  
“I have a lot of cross referencing to do today,” he said. “So I won’t be around much.”  
Ben grunted in reply and Hux shut himself in Leia’s office for the rest of the morning. At lunch, Hux ate quickly and quietly. Tired of being confined in the stuffy office, he carried his work out to the small table beside the pool. He was aware of Ben lying on the grass nearby, on his stomach with his translation text and notebook to occupy him, but he did not speak. At dinner, Hux thought Ben snappish and irritable so he avoided conversation in case he became the target of Ben’s bad humour. Han suggested that Ben was dissatisfied with the standard of his meal since it was one of Han’s own specialities that he’d made himself, but Ben appeared not to have heard. Hux thanked Han for a lovely meal and said he might go out in town this evening to take his mind off his work.

Hux went up to his room, packed a book, a lighter, a flashlight and a towel into his bag then went out, planning to ride his speeder to town first, then to Ben’s place. In town, Hux chose a cantina he had not visited before and took a seat at the bar. It was early and the place was relatively quiet, with a few small groups and couples sitting at tables or in booths. Music played unobtrusively in the background. Hux looked at the range of bottles and taps behind the bar.  
“Well if it isn’t the Organa intern! Armitage, wasn’t it?”  
Hux looked at the tall, blonde server with barely disguised horror.  
“Ah. Yes. You were a guest a few days ago. Um—“  
“Phasma,” she said, offering a smile and a wink. “What can I get you?”  
Hux thought she might laugh of he ordered tea so he chose from the mocktails menu. Phasma set to work and soon a bright concoction of citrus fruit juices and sweet syrup landed in front of him. He took a sip, nodding his thanks to Phasma.  
“I’m surprised you ordered the _Maiden Voyage_. I thought you’d want a _Long Hard Liquor_.”  
Hux managed not to choke on his drink. “Well, perhaps I prefer more subtlety then that.”  
“Ah,” Phasma laughed. “A true gentleman. Maybe I can get you a _Virgin Destroyer_ next.”  
“No thank you,” Hux said, catching on. “I might order the _All Hands on Deck_ later.”  
Phasma leaned closer and murmured, “whose hands did you have in mind?”  
Hux raised his own right hand and winked. Phasma roared with laughter. She went away to serve another customer while Hux smirked into his drink. Phasma returned and leaned across the bar, her nose inches from his. “You know, I plan on getting off around eleven.”  
“Oh?” Hux frowned.  
“Yes. Would you like to help me?”  
Hux leaned away. “What? I don’t—”  
“Get off. Would you like to help me get off later.”  
Hux stared, unable to find the words that would adequately convey his terror. After a few seconds Phasma laughed, slapped his arm and pointed at the far end of the bar. “I’m kidding. You’re not my type at all. My girl’s waiting for me down there.” Hux looked and rolled his eyes. He waved at Unamo, who grinned back at him. Hux finished his drink, left a generous tip then fled the cantina.

Once at Ben’s beach, he built a pyramid of kindling and twigs on the stones and gathered a few dry branches, breaking them up ready to feed a small campfire. He lazed with his back against a tree and read until it was too dark, then he lit his fire and sat within its comforting glow. When it was so dark that the lake looked like a pool of ink, Hux stripped off and went swimming. Again the cold water cleared his mind.  
_I have to avoid Ben if I am to avoid hurting him. He doesn’t want me. He wants some version of me that doesn’t exist. It would be wrong for me to give him any thought that we can be together._  
Sitting by his fire an hour later, Hux realised that he was also protecting himself.  
_I want a version of Ben who can fall in love with me. He admitted that he can’t fall in love. Therefore Ben is wrong for me and I should stop yearning for some boy who isn’t capable of being what I need._  
Somehow, that made him feel better. When his chrono told him that the family would likely all be heading for bed, Hux smothered his campfire and returned to the villa.

At breakfast, Hux spoke only to say please and thank you and that he had a lot of work to do. Again, he used Leia’s office in the morning and the poolside table after a quick bite at lunch. And again Ben settled nearby. Hux did his best not to watch Ben work, not to watch the way his brow furrowed as he deciphered the strange Jedi symbols, not to study the way his lips moved as he mouthed versions of what the closest translation might be in a range of languages until he found something that conveyed the sense of the original, not to focus on his pleased smile as he wrote out the translation in careful script. After an hour or so of quit work, with no word of explanation, Ben stood up, abandoned his written task and walked away only to return with the wooden staff that stood in for his sabre when he trained. Hux couldn’t help but watch as Ben went through his training routine, moves smooth and flowing, showing off his strength and control in a display that had Hux struggling to concentrate on anything but Ben’s sheer physical presence.  
_Kriff, he’s making it very difficult for me. I have to get out of here before I_ _walk up and kiss him. Before I tell him to meet me at the lake. Before I fall in love with someone who can’t love me back._  
Hux stood up, walked past Ben and went back into the house. He ran upstairs to pack his bag for a visit to the cantina where Phasma worked and later to Ben’s little beach, then worked on the balcony until it was time for dinner. He stayed at the table only as long as he thought necessary out of politeness before he excused himself and took his speeder into town. At the cantina, Phasma served him with a smile and didn’t flirt. He was flattered when a Togruta, beautiful chevron markings on his three lekku and pale blue skin bearing carefully applied body paint, stared at his hair and invited him to share a bottle of wine then compare anatomy. Phasma hovered nearby and Hux had the notion that had the Togruta been reluctant to accept a rebuff, he would have faced Phasma’s firm enforcement of the cantina’s ‘No Harrassment’ policy.

Hux left after one drink. The lakeside was as tranquil as ever but its cold, still water failed to calm his mind completely. When the moon was high in the sky and the stars were clear, Hux rode back to the villa. He went inside and upstairs with practised stealth and into his room. Once safely inside, he clicked on the bedside lamp and readied himself for bed by its pale glow. Avoiding the loose floorboard, he stepped awkwardly and felt his foot slip on something dropped on the floor. Shifting his weight back, placing his foot elsewhere and wincing at the creak of distressed wood, he picked it up. It was a piece of paper torn from a notebook and folded. Hux carried it over to the lamp, sat on his bed and unfolded it. There, in the decorative calligraphy that Ben saved for High Galactic, were the words _I can’t stand this. I want us to talk._

Hux slipped the note under his pillow and got into bed. He turned off the light and lay awake thinking about the boy in the room next door.  
_I could go through and try to explain but he might be asleep or he might think I wanted to get into bed with him._  
Hux considered that possibility.  
_No, he wants us to talk. That’s a good thing. I can let him down gently and maybe we can be friends._  
He almost snorted at his own stupidity.  
_Best to make nothing of it. We kissed. That’s not a big deal to Ben. We can talk and if he wants to kiss again we can kiss again. But nothing more._  
Resolving to reply to Ben’s note the next morning and arrange to meet to talk, perhaps by the pool after lunch, Hux fell asleep.

In the morning, Hux wrote a reply on a spare sheet from his own journal. _My dear Ben, meet me by the pool after lunch and we can talk as much as you need to about how we should manage our desires._ He waited until Ben had gone downstairs, waited another minute in case he came back up for some forgotten item, then went through the bathroom and into Ben’s room. He was about to place his reply on Ben’s desk when he saw crumpled pages in the waste basket. Curiosity got the better of him and he picked out one of the discarded pages. The paper matched the torn page Ben used for his note.  
In Galactic Basic it said, ~~Do you hate me?~~  
Hux raised his eyebrows. He plucked another paper all from the wastebasket. Ornate High Galactic. ~~Your silence is killing me as surely as if~~  
He frowned and retrieved two more. ~~I need you so much it~~ and ~~I wish you would stop avoiding me.~~  
He replaced the notes in the waste basket and returned to his room. He threw out the woefully inadequate note he had intended to leave, took the paper Ben had eventually slipped under his door and wrote one word under Ben’s beautiful handwriting.

_Midnight._

Hux went for breakfast. Stifling a yawn, he helped himself to caf and smiled at Ben. “Did you have a good time last night?”  
Ben frowned. “I suppose. Did you? I heard you come home late.”  
Hux sat down. He said, “Well then, I’m sorry about your insomnia,” without as much as a glance at Ben.  
“Armitage?” Leia said, “can you bring your caf with you? We’ve got a new set of records uncovered by a scavenger from a star destroyer wreck on Jakku. We’re going to be busy.”

Hux abandoned his caf and followed Leia. The scavenger had excavated a complete databank of personnel records, from the highest ranking officer on board to the greenest stormtrooper recruit. Hux and Leia worked on it through lunch and dinner, pausing only to eat from trays brought in my Emmfive. Once fatigue meant they were no longer able to perform useful analysis, Leia poured Hux and herself a glass of wine each and they sat quietly.  
“You know, while you’re here you’re one of us. Part of the family. All my interns are.”  
“Thank you. You have all made me feel welcome.”  
Leia sighed and frowned. “Cut the crap, Armitage. I want you to talk to me about things that concern us both.”  
Hux glanced at Leia’s face then looked at his glass and swirled his wine. “About Ben?”  
Leia nodded. “He likes you but you leave him reeling. He can barely work out whether you like him or hate him.”  
Hux stared morosely into his glass. “I don’t want—”  
“Banthashit!” Hux jerked his head up, startled by Leia’s sharpness. “You like him. I see it. Han and Lando see it. Luke knew as soon as he clapped eyes on you. Why can’t you see it too?”  
Hux rubbed his face. He took another sip of his wine. “He’s eighteen and I’m older and that makes me feel like it’s wrong.”  
“He’s determined to make his own decisions. If liking you turns out to be a mistake, it’s a mistake he’s old enough to make and a lesson he will have to learn for himself.”  
“I don’t want to hurt him, or to get hurt. I overheard him tell Meelu that he can’t fall in love.”  
Leia shook her head and her dark look melted into a soft smile. “Oh, Ben, my sweet boy. He doesn’t know it when he’s in love because he falls in love so easily. He won’t call it that, but he loves Meelu. And he loves you.”  
“He loves me?”  
“Can’t you see it shining from him? The only person blind to it is Ben himself.”  
“Well then. That... that puts a new perspective on things.”  
“Please, will you talk to him honestly before it sours?”  
“You don’t object to me, ah, pursuing your son?”  
Leia laughed. “From what I can see it’s Ben who’s doing the pursuing. All you need to do is stop running away.”

Leia moved their conversation on to more mundane matters. Hux finished his wine and said goodnight, then went upstairs. Checking the bathroom was unoccupied, he showered to ease off the stiffness in his shoulders that came from poring over documents for fifteen hours straight, brushed his teeth and, on a whim, took the lube and put it in his bedside drawer. When he quietly opened the balcony door, there was no light coming from Ben’s room. Disappointed that Ben had probably gone to bed and fallen asleep, Hux checked his chrono. It was not quite midnight. For the next few minutes, he paced the room until he heard Ben open his balcony door, and he hurried out to stand beside the boy looking out over the orchard with his hands gripping the balustrade.

Hux broke the silence before it became thick and impenetrable. “I’m glad you came,” he said quietly. “I wasn’t sure you would. I thought you had decided to go to bed.”  
“I wasn’t sure I would either,” said Ben.  
Hux laid his hand on top of Ben’s. “Come in,” he said, beckoning Ben into his room and sitting on his bed. “Sit if you like.”  
Ben followed. He sat beside Hux and turned to look at him. Hux mirrored Ben’s serious expression. “I want us to talk,” said Ben.  
“I know. You said so in your note.” Hux smiled. He needed a way of lifting the mood. “High Galactic is so out of fashion it took me a minute to translate it.”  
Ben snorted and laughed. “Well I apologise for being unfashionable.” Hux grinned at him, holding Ben’s gaze. Ben looked away after a full minute. “Sorry I stare. I can’t help it.”  
Hux reached up as if to touch Ben’s face and bring his stare back, but stopped himself. It wasn’t time yet. Instead he said, “I don’t mind. I want us to be open with each other.”  
“What about?”  
Hux could see Ben swallow, hear the wary tone of his words. In a gentle voice, Hux said, “We are very different people, Ben.”  
Ben snapped, “Don’t patronise me, _Armie_.”  
Hux shook his head and dropped the soothing tone. “Kylo, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, we have very different backgrounds.”  
“Not really,” Ben met Hux’s gaze again. “Brendol Hux, Darth Vader. Which of us has the worst ancestor?” Hux gave a harsh laugh. Ben stroked his face. “You want us to be open?”  
“Yes,” Hux said.  
“I want to kiss you and hold you. I want you to kiss me and not regret it. I want to touch you and I want you to touch me too.”  
Hux looked away, blinked at dark sky over the orchard outside the balcony door, then looked at Ben’s face. “I work for your mother and I’m older than you. Won’t anyone mind?”  
Ben shrugged one shoulder. “I won’t tell anyone. I’m old enough and it’s none of their business.”  
“You want us to kiss and hug and... touch.” Hux felt his face go red and hoped the low lamplight hid his blush. “Anything else?”  
Ben frowned at him for a few seconds then his face changed briefly into an expression of understanding and he smiled. “I think that’s enough for now.”  
Hux smiled back. “Well then. I think I might like that. Come here.”

The bed dipped and shifted, rolling Hux towards Ben as he crawled up to lie beside Hux with his arms around him. Hux traced the line of Ben’s jaw and brought their lips together. He felt the warm softness of Ben’s tongue slide across his mouth and he parted his lips, meeting Ben’s tongue with his own. Realising that Ben was holding back, letting him decide what he wanted, Hux pulled back for a moment, relief and happiness bubbling up. “Are you going to faint on me again?”  
Ben laughed. “Shut up. I’m going to put my hands inside your shirt. Okay?”  
_I can go faster than this._ “We could just take these things off.” Hux laughed, sat up and grabbed Ben’s shirt. “Off, off, off!”  
Ben grappled uselessly with Hux’s clothing, giggling until they gave up and undressed themselves. Hux watched Ben slide naked into his bed. He stood with his hands on his waistband, unsure of how Ben might react to his underwhelming physique, but Ben just smiled and held out his hand. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want. I’ll put mine back on if this offends you.”  
Hux covered his face for a couple of seconds then shimmied out of his shorts and got into bed. “I’m really not what you imagined,” he said quietly. “Am I?”  
Ben’s long arms wrapped around him and the boy kissed him with affection. “That doesn’t matter,” he reassured. Ben rolled back and pulled Hux on top of him. Hux felt Ben’s hands stroke his shoulders, draw smooth lines and circles with his palms down the length of his back until he reached Hux’s buttocks. Ben cupped Hux’s arse and pulled their hips closer.  
“What do you think you’d like, Hux?” he asked.  
“I thought about your hand,” Hux confessed. “You know, at your place by the lake.”  
Ben’s voice deepened and he laughed. “Did you get off thinking about my hand on you?”  
Hux knew that even a day ago he would have let that comment sting. Tonight, he spoke with only amusement. “Shut up, you insolent boy.”  
Ben turned playful again. “I really _really_ want to do that. Can I?”

Hux could barely believe he was allowed this pleasure. Ben rolled over again and flipped Hux onto his back, kissed him and stroked his chest and stomach. Hux let his eyes close as Ben’s hand clasped his cock and stroked it a few times slowly then let go to tease around his balls. Hux cursed quietly and laughed, and Ben kissed him.  
“There’s lube,” Ben said.  
“It’s in here.” Hux pointed at the nightstand.  
Ben took out the bottle. Hux watched through half-closed eyes as Ben squeezed some out and warmed it in his hands. Ben loomed closer and Hux closed his eyes again as Ben kissed him and resumed stroking his cock with a slicked hand until Hux came quickly with a sharp, juddering breath. He pulled Ben down and kissed him.  
“You’re beautiful,” Ben said, pulling away to look down at Hux.  
“Don’t be ridiculous.”  
“You. Are. Beautiful.” Ben punctuated his statement with kisses to Hux’s face, making him laugh.  
Hux sighed and smiled at Ben, then asked, “What would you like me to do?”  
“Whatever you’re comfortable with.”  
Hux bit his lip, wondering how much he could reveal about his desires. “I fantasised about sucking you off,” he said after a minute of staring at Ben’s smile. “Can I do that? Will you laugh at me if I’m no good?”  
“Yes you can and no I won’t,” Ben said, “Because it’s not possible to get it wrong as long as you don’t bite.”  
Hux laughed nervously. “And if I do?”  
Ben smiled and settled back against the pillows while Hux slid down his body and sucked the head of his cock into his mouth, tasting salt and feeling the weight and texture of it, wondering how Ben might react to his inexperience. He felt his heart beat faster when Ben replied.  
“Well then, if that’s what you like, I guess that’s a discussion for another time.”


	4. Learning to swim

Hux woke up with Ben’s legs overlapping his own, Ben’s head resting on his shoulder and a dead arm. The pale sunlight filtering through the blinds suggested it was still early so Hux moved carefully, slowly, to release his arm and rub tingling life back into it. Ben murmured nonsense, rolled onto his back and settled with his head on the pillow. Hux moved his legs and lay facing Ben, watching his eyelids flutter. Ben smiled and turned to face him, dark eyes opening and revealing amber glints in the morning sun.  
“Hi,” Ben said, covering a yawn so that the syllable came out as _H-a-a-a-a-a-a-ai._  
Hux thought he might melt. He kissed Ben’s forehead. “Good morning. It’s early.”  
Ben raised his head to look at the chrono on the cabinet. “It really is,” he said. “Breakfast isn’t for a while.”  
Hux smiled. “I wonder what we could find to do until then.”  
Ben smiled wider. “I can think of something I’ve never done before, if you’re up for it.”  
Hux stretched and yawned too, wondering if it was really possible to be this happy. “What did you have in mind?” 

Hux imagined more of what they had done after midnight, kissing and touching and tasting each other, teasing and stroking until they’d come as much as they could stand and both had to sleep. He kissed Ben with soft lips, eyes closing. Ben yawned and stretched again then reached for Hux, pulling him partially on top so that Ben’s mouth was close to Hux’s ear. When he spoke, Ben’s voice was a low murmur. “I want you in me. I want your fingers and I want your cock.”  
Hux pulled back a little in surprise.   
_I’ve heard that it hurts._   
“You want that?”  
Ben stroked Hux’s back with fingertips that made Hux’s skin rise up in bumps. “Right now I want that more than anything.”  
“Are you sure?” Hux stroked Ben’s hair back from his face. “It sounds... I don’t know.”   
_But people do it so they must get pleasure from it._  
“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Ben said. They lay in still silence for a minute then Hux felt Ben press a kiss to the top of his head and Ben got out of bed. Hux watched his inelegant gait across the room and listened as Ben used the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He got up and put his shorts on, pulling a face at the dried come that flaked on his skin before scrubbing at it with his discarded shirt. Ben returned with the pack of condoms in his hand and got back into bed. Hux laughed at the sight. Ben was half hard again.   
“Come back to bed with me,” Ben said.  
 _Stars he’s beautiful. I’d do anything._   
“You’re insatiable,” replied Hux, feeling heat rise up his chest and neck.  
“You weren’t complaining last night,” Ben countered, a slow smile spreading as Hux’s capitulation showed on his face.   
Hux lay beside Ben, drawing his fingertips across Ben’s face, using one finger to angle Ben’s chin towards him, then he kissed Ben. “I’m not complaining now,” he said.   
_Would you like me less if I said no? I want to give you whatever you want._   
“Would it make you happy?”

Ben’s enthusiasm chased away some of Hux’s uncertainty. He wriggled out of his shorts and kicked them off the bed, then picked up the lube. Ben took a condom from the pack, held Hux’s hip and mouthed at his cock until he was fully hard, then helped put the condom on him. Hux sat up on his knees between Ben’s legs and slipped a lubed finger back from his balls to his entrance, watching Ben’s face as he rubbed over the puckered muscle. Ben raised his knees and closed his eyes. Hux pushed his finger in and Ben grinned.  
“Like this?” asked Hux.  
 _Sith that’s tight!_  
“Like that,” replied Ben, “but more.”   
Hux pushed his finger in further and moved it around inside Ben until Ben jerked and took a sharp breath in. Hux pulled his finger almost completely out.  
“Did I hurt you?”  
Ben opened his eyes and laughed. “Fuck, no! Do it again!”  
Hux leaned over and kissed the soft skin of Ben’s inner thigh then pushed his finger in again, searching for and finding that same spot that made Ben squirm and moan in pleasure. Hux sank down further and kissed Ben’s cock.   
_Perhaps this is enough for him for now._   
“I could keep doing this,” he said. “You seem to like it.”  
Ben laughed then tried to put on a fake glare. “No,” he said, raising his knees even higher and holding them. “I want— Fuckahyesthere! I want your cock. Give it to me. I demand to have— Ah! Fuck! Yes!”  
“Well then,” Hux said, withdrawing his finger, liberally slicking his cock and guiding it to Ben’s hole. “Who am I to deny you, if you’re so sure?”   
_What if you hate this? What if I hate it? What if I can’t?_  
“Shut up and fuck me, Hux.”  
Hux leaned forwards, a little put off by the tight resistance of Ben’s entrance. “You’ll say if you want me to stop?”  
Ben almost yelled for the whole house to hear. “Do it, you tease!”  
Hux pushed harder and felt pressure and then warmth around the head of his cock as he slipped inside Ben. He stopped, holding back, waiting for Ben to tell him no, waiting for any sign that Ben was uncomfortable or in pain. When none came, he giggled and pushed a little more.   
_This is— Oh— Fuck— So— So fucking good._

Hux stopped again, held still, biting at his lip and feeling his face redden at the effort of waiting. Ben tensed and moaned.  
 _I’m hurting him!_  
“Should I stop?”   
“No. Gimme a minute.”   
Aching from effort, Hux’s arm trembled from holding his weight off Ben. Ben sighed and relaxed, then nodded and gave a soft grunt. Hux pushed in deeper and moved his arms, braced either side of Ben’s torso. He moved with a smooth, steady push until he could not go any deeper. Ben chewed his lip and moaned, then let his thighs sag wide and lowered his feet to the bed. Hux carefully rested his weight on Ben then raised himself on his elbows, hands awkwardly caressing Ben’s chest, and kissed him. Ben’s hands gripped the headboard behind his head.  
 _He can’t be comfortable._  
“Is this okay?”   
Ben opened one eye and nodded. “You?” he asked with a slight lift of his eyebrow.   
Hux giggled and thrust his hips twice, gently. The feeling made him want to pound into Ben like he had no control at all.  
 _If he tells me to stop, could I? Would I? Am I a monster?_   
“Oh, fuck, yes.”  
Hux tried a few more slow rolls of his hips. “If you need to stop, tell me. Kick me off you if necessary. Just don’t—“ For the space of three heartbeats, Hux’s words stopped with his breath. Ben was looking at him, eyebrows low and a fleck of amber in his dark eyes. With a gasp, his breath returned. “—beafraidto... Kylo what the fucking sith was that!”   
“I just wanted you to know,” Ben said, stroking Hux’s face and smiling again, “that you can’t hurt me.”  
The thrill of Ben’s power added to the growing tingle in his groin. Hux moved in gentle thrusts that became harder and faster as Ben grunted beneath him, and soon he was lost in chasing his own pleasure. Ben moved one hand from its anchor on the headboard to his own cock and moaned loudly when he spurted come high up his chest and shoulder. The muscular spasms of Ben’s tight hole around his shaft, along with the sight and sound of Ben’s climax, were enough to send Hux into his own orgasm. He came hard and collapsed forwards onto Ben’s come-spattered skin.

After a minute, Hux carefully pulled out while Ben bit his lip and made faces. On a whim, Hux leaned down and pressed a kiss to Ben’s hole. Ben laughed then relaxed, grinning. “That was intense,” he said.   
Hux blushed, settling his head on Ben’s shoulder. “I’m afraid I got a bit carried away with myself. Selfish, I suppose.”  
“Hey, it was my first time too,” Ben said, stroking Hux’s face. “I got to come with you inside me like I wanted. I had fun. So did you. Did you?”  
“Yes. I came. I had fun.”  
 _Are we going to talk about the... the thing you did?_  
Hux lay still, summoning up the nerve to ask about Ben’s strange power until Ben groaned, rolled over and tipped him off. “I need a shower,” he said. “Coming?”

To Ben’s vocal disappointment, Hux said that the shower enclosure was not big enough for them to shower together. Hux went first then dressed and went downstairs for a late breakfast while Ben made his room look like he’d slept there because that was what Hux asked him to do. Ben arrived at the breakfast table a few minutes later. Hux watched Ben pour his own caf from the dregs in the flask and snatch a pastry from the plate Emmfive was carrying away, afraid for a moment that Ben would simply announce to whoever was within earshot that he had just had his first experience of anal sex and that Hux was okay but had a lot to learn. Instead Ben said, “I’m going to eat by the pool,” and walked a little stiffly down the garden. Hux watched, frowning. He would have followed Ben to see if he was upset, but Leia instructed him to start his morning task of sorting through the recovered Star Destroyer personnel records and cross referencing them with witness statements relating to the activities of any of the senior officers whose fates were as yet unconfirmed.

Lunchtime came. Released from paperwork for the afternoon, Hux made tentative mental plans to spend time with Ben. But when Ben appeared, he wouldn’t look at him. Hux watched Ben take a plate and stand with his back to the terrace, leaning his shoulder against a tree and looking down towards the orchard where the gardener, an old Gungan, picked the ripest fruits and loaded them into baskets. Leia called Ben back to the table and the boy walked over, perching carefully on a chair. Hux watched his face for a minute more but Ben did not look up and did not speak to him.   
_I hurt him. He can’t sit down. He’s in pain because of what I did._   
Hux felt his eyes prickle and his face heat up in shame. He stood up, folding his napkin and abandoning half of his lunch. He gave Leia a curt nod. “Please excuse me,” he said, already turning away. “I have some business in town.” 

Hux rode into town a little too fast, narrowly avoiding attracting the attention of the local public order officers. He parked and headed for the main square, ignoring the cantinas and instead looking at the awnings and signs of the other establishments. Only one had the sign he was looking for, and he entered the pharmacy with little thought as to how he was going to explain what he wanted. The pharmacist, a Bothan with a mane of long golden brown fur that merged with her luxuriant body covering and a neatly plaited beard, looked up at his hair and waved a greeting.  
“Ah, you’ll be Leia’s intern, no?”  
“Yes,” Hux replied. “I work for Professor Organa.”  
“You any good?” The Bothan laughed. “Of course you are or you wouldn’t still be here. What can I get you?”  
“Well,’ Hux sighed. “I’m not sure what to ask for.”  
the Bothan scratched her nose. “Oh I see, I see. It’s one of those.” She looked up into Hux’s face and spoke quietly. “You can tell me. Nothing passes these walls.”  
Hux blushed. He felt the heat rise up his cheeks despite the cool conditioned air in the shop. He sighed again. “It’s for a friend.”  
“Of course, of course! Tell me, what problem does this _friend_ need my services for?”  
“It’s his... his...” Hux made an unmistakeable hand gesture, expecting ridicule. The pharmacist didn’t even blink.  
“Any bleeding?”  
“Stars I hope not,” said Hux.  
“Trouble sitting down?”  
“Yes, and walking is causing discomfort.”   
The pharmacist nodded, fur waving like ripe wheat in the breeze. “Thought so when you came in. Any trouble emptying the trash compactor?”  
Hux frowned for a few seconds before he worked out the euphemism. “Not as far as I know. Just a little pain from... friction.”  
“Friction.” The Bothan nodded sagely. “And a little stretching, perhaps?”  
“Perhaps.”  
“No sharp or rough objects involved?”  
“What?” Hux’s face flamed. “No!”  
“No permanent harm done, then, you’ll be relieved to hear.” She reached for two pots from two different shelves and scrutinised their labels. She held the first one out and Hux took it. “This one is for the immediate symptoms. Apply liberally as and when required, especially after jettisoning the trash. This one,” she said, holding out the second pot, “is a medical grade lubricant with a little numbing preparation. For next time your _friend_ decides to put something large up their exhaust port.”   
Hux watched, speechless, as the pharmacist took his credit chip and offered him a plain paper bag for his purchases. She winked at him.   
“Tell young Ben the fancy stuff on the shelf beside the condoms isn’t nearly as effective as the medical preparation, but he should use a condom because the topical anaesthetic tends to, ah, dull the experience otherwise.”  
“Uh,” said Hux. “Um. I... I... No. I will never speak of this for the rest of my life.”  
The pharmacist laughed. “Don’t worry. Neither will I.”

Hux went straight back to the villa and upstairs to his room, relieved that Ben was not brooding indoors. He placed the soothing cream on the shelf of the cabinet where the presence of lube and condoms had recently shocked him. The medical lubricant he kept in his bag, tossing in the remaining condoms too. He poured the ineffective lube down the sink and rinsed it away, intending to dispose of the empty bottle discreetly later. Last of all, he took out his notebook and tore a page to write a note for Ben: _Use this. It will hurt less. Sorry._ Before Ben might notice that he was back and come to find him, Hux left again. He rode back into town and used the public records office where his study booth still opened to his handprint then went to the cantina where Phasma served him something from the mocktail menu. Unamo and Meelu slid into the bar stools either side. Hux looked from one to the other.  
“Why do I suddenly feel like a nerf between two nexu?” he asked.  
Meelu laughed. “Don’t worry, loverboy. You’re not on our menu.”  
“No,” said Unamo. “Phas asked us to keep creeps from hitting on you because of your pretty red hair.”  
Hux scowled into his drink. “I don’t need babysitters,” he said.  
“No,” conceded Meelu. “But I want to be able to tell Ben honestly that we saw his boyfriend in a cantina in town and he wasn’t cheating on him.”  
Hux rounded on Meelu. “Wouldn’t you want that? Get Ben to hate me so you can have him back?”  
Meelu raised her eyebrows at Hux and waves coursed down her lekku, draped over her shoulders. “I don’t want to spoil his fun,” she said. “You’ll be gone soon and I’ll still be here. Why would I need to hurt him now when you’ll do it yourself in a week or two?”  
“Well then,” Hux said, getting up. “You can add to the gossip about me that I am leaving alone and going straight home.”

Except Hux did not ride straight home. He pulled up his speeder close to Ben’s beach and sat at the borderline between gravel and water, staring out over the rippling surface.  
 _She’s right, I will have to leave soon and Ben can’t come with me._  
 _She’s wrong. We could have a good thing here and we could still be friends after I go._  
 _She’s right. He’s the privileged son of a famous family and I am a nobody, picked out at random and given a second chance. He probably just wants me to alleviate the boredom of summer with his family._  
 _But what if Ben actually wants more? What if this is more than a passing crush?_  
Hux huffed at himself and shook his head.  
 _What have I got to offer someone like Ben? When this internship is over, I’ll have no job and nowhere to live. What use am I?_  
When Hux eventually stood up, stretched, rubbed and stamped life back into his legs, he had made a decision.  
 _I will not allow myself to get any further involved with someone who won’t want me as soon as I am away from his little universe._  
As he rode back to the villa and coasted his speeder into the garage, he wondered how much further it was possible for him to fall.

Hux rose early next morning. He saw that Ben had used the balm that the Bothan pharmacist had sold him and it made him feel a little better. He moved as quietly as possible, peering through the door into Ben’s room to see him fast asleep, and the sight made him smile, tempted for a second or two to join him in bed and wake him with a kiss before he renewed his resolve to manufacture distance between them. He washed and dressed with the practiced efficiency of a man used to sharing accommodation, then went out to the terrace and ate breakfast quickly. As he stood to leave, Ben arrived and gave him a smile that almost broke his heart. Hux nodded in reply and informed Emmfive that he would not require lunch. He took his speeder and rode into town, to the sanctuary of the public records office. Deciding to have tea before settling to a day’s paperwork, Hux went into the cantina where he had first sat with Ben. As he left, flask of tea in hand, squinting at the sunlight, Ben blocked his path.  
“Do you hate me now?” Ben said, voice rising at the end.  
“No!” Hux knew he should look away, lie, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell this dark-eyed, emotional boy to keep away. “Whatever made you think— No, not at all. Walk with me?”

Ben walked close to Hux, bumping elbows as they negotiated the narrow, old-town streets with their high walls and cobblestones. They entered a small square, secluded enough that traffic noise was muffled and they could hear the splash and burble of the fountain at the far corner. When they reached the fountain, Ben pulled Hux’s arm, walked in front and faced him.  
“What have I done wrong?”   
Hux sighed, all his willpower to keep Ben at a distance evaporating at the sight of such a hurt expression. “Nothing. Kylo, I am so happy that you came to me.” He looked away. “I’d kiss you right here if I could.”   
“Are you worried you’ll get in trouble?” Ben frowned. “You won’t.”  
Hux shook his head. “Just don’t say anything. About this. About what I did to you. I hurt you.”  
Ben’s face struggled to settle on an expression Hux could interpret. Then a smile broke out and Hux desperately wanted to smile back. Ben took his arm and steered him over to the low wall that surrounded the fountain. They sat. “You thought... no. Hux, no. It wasn’t like that. You gave me what I wanted. What I asked for. I didn’t mind.”   
Ben’s hand landed gently on Hux’s left cheek and a kiss landed on his right. He jerked back and looked around but they were alone. Ben’s voice hardened and he blurted out, “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”  
“No!” Hux took Ben’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I’m not used to this. Let’s talk later.”   
Ben looked down and laughed without humour. “You’re impossible. I don’t know where I am with you at all. I want to be with you.” Ben looked into Hux’s face. “I want more.”  
Hux felt nerves knot his stomach. “More? What do you mean? More of what?”  
Ben leaned closer, head almost on Hux’s shoulder. “More of you,” he said quietly. “I want to sit with you at the table and not wonder what excuse you’ll make to avoid me. I want to walk through town holding your hand, put my arms around you and kiss you whenever I feel like it. I want to sleep in your bed with you every night and walk downstairs to get breakfast with you and not hide it all away. Hux, I want all of you.”

It was too much. Hux felt panic rise. He got up and walked away across the square, hearing Ben’s sandals slap the cobbles behind him.   
_He wants more than I can give him. He wants... He wants.... I want..._  
When Hux stopped suddenly in a narrow, shaded passage between two buildings, Ben almost ran into him. Hux turned, walked Ben back against the golden sandstone and kissed him, hands stroking Ben’s face and fingers combing his thick, wavy hair. Ben held him, arms tight around his back as if he was afraid Hux might try to run. Voices and laughter jolted them back into the moment. Ben stepped back and walked along the passageway. Hux followed at his shoulder. Once they had the alley to themselves, Ben reached back and took Hux’s hand. Hux suppressed his automatic flinch, allowing Ben to lace their fingers together. They did not let go until they reached their speeders.

Back at the villa, Ben went up to his room and Hux went into his own. They met seconds later on the balcony. Ben smiled and said, “Come here.” Hux took two small steps, nerves making his head spin. “Closer,” said Ben. Hux took one more step. Ben reached for his hands and led him to his room. He stopped with Hux on the threshold, toes in the room and back to the orchard outside the balcony door. Ben sank to his knees, pulled Hux’s shorts down far enough to expose his cock, and closed his lips around it, humming in gently. Hux covered his mouth to try to stifle the noise he made. Ben pulled back and stood up then fixed Hux’s shorts over his erection. Hux sighed in frustration. “Save that for later,” Ben murmured, leaning in and making Hux’s skin tingle with the feeling of breath on his ear. “And don’t ever ignore me again.”   
_How could I ever have thought myself capable of denying this?_ thought Hux as Ben’s balcony door closed behind him. _I can’t believe I ever called him innocent._

Hux did his best while sitting opposite Ben at dinner not to spend the entire time staring at him. He was sure Leia knew something had happened between them but he barely made eye contact with her either. Ben entertained the evening guests by turning their questions around and getting them to do most of the talking. When Leia took the opportunity, while standing behind Ben and leaning over to pour more wine into Hux’s glass and Ben’s, to murmur, _”Well done for making our guests feel so comfortable. What in the galaxy happened to you to make you so cheerful tonight?”_ Hux almost choked on his wine. Ben flicked him a single rapid glance and flashed a smile. Hux examined the food on his plate, quite sure he’d gone bright red, then he smiled and padded his bare feet around under the table to cover Ben’s toes with his own. 

The mood was spoiled for a minute when Leia asked Ben to stick around because it was Lando’s last night with them. Ben looked hurt. Hux shot him a reassuring smile and a raised eyebrow. Lando looked from Hux to Ben, laughed quietly and winked. Han brought out two more bottles of wine and the conversation continued as if nothing had happened. Eventually, Ben made an excuse to leave the table and slunk into the fading light down the garden. Hux watched him go.   
“Armitage?” Hux jerked his head around to see Leia’s amused smile. She leaned close to his ear and spoke quietly. “Would you mind going after Ben to see if he’s feeling all right?”  
“Certainly,” he replied, standing up a little too quickly. This time Lando definitely winked at _him._

Ben was by the pool, sitting on the low wall that bordered the greenish water. Hux joined him. “The Prof said I ought to check if you were feeling all right. Are you?”  
“I just want to be with you.” Ben rolled his eyes and nudged Hux with his elbow. “You know why. Can we go inside?”  
Hux looked towards the house and felt for Ben’s hand. “No,” he said, voice low, conspiratorial. “There are guards everywhere. We’d never make it past the perimeter.”  
With a laugh, Ben clasped Hux’s hand between both of his own and pulled it into his lap. “I wish we’d done all this sooner. I wasted all that time thinking you hated me.”  
Hux groaned. “I tried! Remember that time you were all playing spheredunk and I touched your shoulder? I was trying to tell you I liked you and trying to find out if maybe you liked me too but you reacted as if I molested you. I told myself not to make a fool of myself. Not to risk everything. I know a relationship like... people like... Well. Let’s just say that I was brought up with a very different set of rules. What if Leia found out I had made inappropriate advances and you’d—“  
Ben giggled. He squeezed Hux’s hand and looked at him. “That was an _advance?_ No wonder you were, until so very recently, untouched.” Hux pulled his hand away but Ben clasped more firmly and laughed harder. “Sorry,” he said. “Want to do it right here by the pool? Nobody will see.”  
“Absolutely not!” Hux said before he realised Ben was joking. He play-pushed Ben. Ben pushed back and after another few seconds of playful tussling, they both landed in the pool with a yell and a splash. Hux clambered out and held a hand out to Ben. They stood at the side of the pool, looking at each other and laughing at the state they were in. Ben voiced Hux’s thoughts.  
“At least now we have an excuse to go indoors.”

Ben walked onto the terrace first, announcing to Leia, “Armitage pushed me in the pool.”   
Hux walked past next, adding, “He was asking for it.”   
Leia laughed and told them to go clean up. They ran upstairs, dripping pool water and slipping on wet feet, until they stood in the bathroom. They helped one another out of their wet clothes and stood looking at each other. Hux stroked Ben’s face and said, “I can honestly say that I have never met anyone like you.”  
Ben laughed. “Is that a compliment or an insult?”  
Hux thought he might cry. “Honestly, Kylo,” he said. “It’s a statement of fact. I will miss this. I will miss you.”  
Ben shrugged one shoulder and kissed him. “Then don’t go. Stay forever.”  
“You know I can’t.” Hux hated what he had to say. “My internship ends in a week and you have to—“  
Ben put his hands over his ears. “Hush! Don’t ruin it. I want this.”  
Somehow, Hux found a smile. “Very well,” he said. “We have forever, Kylo.”  
Ben nodded. “Better. Get in the shower with me and we can finish what I started earlier.”

Hux felt the villa empty over the next few days. First Lando left on business, then Han two days later. Amilyn had already gone back to Gatalenta taking the Tico sisters with her, and Luke would leave two days after Hux, accompanied by his young ward, Rey, and Ben. Leia talked about ‘returning to civilisation’ but even Hux could sense her reluctance to leave this idyll. The tasks Leia gave Hux grew less onerous and she praised his efforts over the few weeks he had been her intern. She forwarded details of a post she thought him suitable for—forensic data analyst at the remains of the Imperial data tower on Scarif attached to an associate professorship—and sat with him while he drafted his application and research proposal.

Time with Ben became precious. Every day Hux and Ben would wake up together, breakfast on the terrace with only Emmfive to interrupt their silence, and spend the morning with Hux working at the table by the pool and Ben alternating his translation of the Jedi texts with bouts of physical activity working on his sabre forms. Leia gave Hux the afternoons free ‘to work on your application and interview skills’ and every afternoon he and Ben would ride their speeders out and walk through town then swim in the lake before lying nude and talking nonsense until they dried off, or making love lying on towels spread on the grass. Hux silently counted down the days, the mornings and afternoons and evenings, the hours. On the second last evening before Hux was scheduled to leave, Ben still refused to discuss Hux’s departure and what it would mean for their brand new relationship. At dinner that night, a quiet affair, Leia took Ben’s arm and said, “You know, Ben, I think it would be nice if you could escort Armitage to the city tomorrow, take him around the sights, have dinner and see him off on his journey home the next morning. Would you do that? There’s a hotel booked. I can call ahead and have them reserve two rooms instead of one if you like.”

Ben opened and closed his mouth. Luke seemed to be holding in a laugh. Hux’s jaw dropped and, since nobody else seemed prepared to say anything, he replied, “I’d appreciate that very much. Thank you. Ky... Ben?”  
Ben nodded. They finished dinner and Hux said he was going upstairs to pack. Ben followed, pacing around the rooms, bathroom and balcony like a loth-wolf in an inadequate zoo enclosure. Hux shook out his mint green shirt, mentally asking himself if he should have Emmfive launder it overnight so that he could wear it clean for his last day with Ben, since Ben liked it so much. Ben whisked it out of his hands on his next circuit of their rooms.  
“You’ll leave me that,” he said. “And those.” He rescued Hux’s favourite swimming shorts from his case.   
Hux smiled. “You can have them. In exchange I want the shirt you’re wearing now.”   
Ben pulled it off and threw it at Hux. Hux held it to his face, wondering of he could seal it up so that it would still smell of Ben every time he took it out.  
“You could stay,” Ben blurted. “You could. But you won’t.”  
Hux spoke softly. “Kylo, we—“  
Ben glared and yelled. “Don’t you dare tell me we’re over! We are not over.”  
“I wasn’t! I—“  
“Are you tired of me so soon? Is that it?”  
“No, Kylo—“  
Ben paced away and stood on the balcony for a few seconds, then came back in, eyes red and shining. “You have no idea. No idea.”  
“I love you.” Hux said it simply, a quiet statement of fact.  
“You’re a c— what?”  
“Kylo, I love you.” Hux walked up to Ben and put his arms around the boy. “I know it’s stupid and I’ve only known you for a few weeks and most of those we were barely speaking, but I do. And I don’t want to go. But I must.”  
Ben shook Hux off and sat on the bed. “Don’t leave,” he said. “Everyone leaves and I can’t bear it.”  
Hux sat beside him and took his hand. “You’ll be leaving too. Back to Luke’s academy?”  
Ben sighed and lay flat. Hux released his hand. “No. I told Luke I want to leave,” Ben said. “Get some experience. Travel or something. If there’s nowhere else, I’ll ask Han if I can join him and Lando on the Falcon but they’ll have Uncle Chewie. He’s a Wookiee.”   
Hux studied Ben’s morose expression. “You know,” he said as if he hadn’t thought of it before and mulled over the idea at length while Ben snored on his shoulder, “if I’m lucky enough to get that post excavating the data tower remains on Scarif and you don’t have any other plans, you could—“  
The words _”come with me”_ were mumbled into Ben’s kiss. 

*****

Hux hovered his thumb over the _connect_ icon on the comm unit until he had the courage to make the call.   
_It has been too long. Five months since I last saw Ben, prised myself away from him and got on that transport. Has he moved on? His letters—_  
The buzz and click that said he was connected made his heart beat harder and he pushed his lips into a smile.   
“Armitage!” said Leia as her pale blue image shimmered and broke and reformed. “What a lovely surprise.” Hux’s heart leapt when he saw that Ben already had the secondary holocom open and he also flickered into a ghostly pale blue image.   
“Hey, Armie!” Ben said, clapping his hands over his mouth in mock horror. “Sorry. I should call you Professor Sloane.”   
“Happy Life Day,” Hux said with a genuine laugh. “I just called—“  
“Happy Life day!” came a triplicate, singsong reply.  
Leia smiled warmly. “Congratulations. You deserve that post.”  
“I wouldn’t have got it without your backing. I called to say thank you.” Hux paused and chewed his lip, willing himself not to cry. “For everything.”  
Han’s voice sailed across Leia’s. “Don’t go soft on us, son. You did good. Take the credit.”  
“How’s Scarif? Oh never mind.” She laughed. “Don’t tell me, I’ve been there. Tell Ben instead.”  
Han laughed and winked. “Yeah. We’ll leave you two alone.”  
Hux watched as Leia and Han’s images flickered and faded, replaced by Ben’s face zooming to full size. Ben’s image broke up for a couple of seconds as he leaned forward out of the holocam range. Hux laughed. “I hope they can’t see you try to kiss a ghost.”  
Ben’s image returned to normal size as he sat back and grinned. “Don’t care,” he said. “They don’t care either. Mom _likes_ you. Sith knows why. You’re awful.”  
“Insolent boy!” Hux smiled, and for a full minute they had nothing they needed to say with words.  
“I got your letters,” Ben said.  
Hux smiled, warmth filling him. “I know. I got your replies.”  
Ben’s hand appeared in the image and Hux leaned forwards as if it was real. “Writing was so hard. Sometimes all I could think to write was _miss you, love you._ ”  
“I know,” Hux said. “I treasure those most. I wrote you a bundle of letters I didn’t even send in case it was too much.” He saw Ben rub his eyes and added, “Ah, now, none of that. Do you want to read them?”  
Ben looked up with a smile. “More than anything!”  
“Well then, you’ll have to come to Scarif and get them.” There was a silent pause, broken when Hux barely whispered, “Kylo?”  
“Hux.”   
“Kylo, Kylo, Kylo. Will you come? To Scarif?”  
Hux watched Ben chew his lip. He had little to offer Ben on Scarif, a ravaged planet, that had been both the pride and a victim of Imperial rule. He’d said as much in letters he had not sent, and in one he had that simply read, _I miss you intolerably much. I wish you were here with me for an hour or for a day or forever. Tell me, Kylo, will you come, even though I have nothing?_  
Hux’s smile could have lit the heavens when at last Ben’s image looked at him and said, “Yes. I’ll come.”


End file.
